|Shit for Brains|
Best of Dumbass News
I’ll be back “live” tomorrow!
The guy in the photo is a criminal. Bank robber? Nope. Embezzler? Try again. This man, Gary Moody, is a convicted “toilet pit climber”. And a dumbass. I am intrigued by the term “toilet pit climber”, so as a Professional Blogging Guy, it is my sworn at duty to get to the, er, uh, bottom of this.
As you may have guessed by now Our Friend Gary likes to climb into the pits of outhouses! Gary is a Doo Doo Diver!. But!, you say, maybe Gary was plastered one time and did something extremely stupid – and disgusting. I wish that I could report to you that this is the case, but NO! Gary Moody is a Serial Doo Doo Diver! And a Serial Dumbass!
Recently Ol’ Gare was spotted by a nine year old boy after a successful session of doo doo diving, Gary’s second known outhouse pit diving expedition. In 2005, Moody pleaded no contest to trespassing for the same offense. Since Gary’s crime is not quite as common as, say, car theft, he was the first guy the cops went to for answers regarding this incident. The Portland Press Herald notes that special agent with the US Forest Service, William Fors recalled the case from 2005 and told the paper, “Based on the extremely rare nature of this type of activity, the fact that Gary Moody had a previous conviction for the same activity and the fact that Moody had a last known address in the Gardiner, Maine, area, I decided to locate and interview Moody,” No shit?
As a resident of Augusta, which is so close to Gardiner that you could hear Gary fart, all my fears have been allayed since the US Forest Service is right on top of the very serious crime of Doo Doo Diving. As a matter of fact, the Augusta, Maine “metro” area proudly holds the distinction of having the lowest doo doo diver recidivism rate in the entire United States of America thanks to the relentless anti-doo doo diving efforts of the United States Forest Service right here in our humble little town. I shall sleep better at night.
Good ol’ Gary was convicted and sentenced to 30 days, a $1000 fine and $700 restitution to the Forest Service for the cost of pumping out the toilet pit. It seems to me that Gary could have saved himself seven big ones if he’d just asked for a shovel and emptied the pit on his own. Not only could he have saved the cash for himself, he could have done the very thing he loves doing! What more could a criminal ask for?
I’m sure that this will be a subject of interest at Gary’s kid’s next “What Does Your Daddy Do for a Living? Day” at school. Does Gary dare take a Port-O-Potty to the school to demonstrate what Doo Doo Diving is all about? Does he say “doo doo” in front of a class of second graders? Instead of “Doo Doo Diver”, should Gary use the term “Feces Farmer” instead? What’s a Daddy Doo Doo Diver to do?
Here’s my bit of wisdom for Mr. Moody: Flush the whole idea.