Category: Utah

The Moose, the Swing Set & the Dumbass

Best of Dumbass News

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for “weird news”. You see HuffPo’s “Weird News” often translates to Fearless Leader’s Dumbass News. So, it’s cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don’t plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see “Weird News”, I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today’s story idea, HuffPo.

Moose-sylvania

Fluffy the Moose

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into – literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That’s two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It’s a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he’s a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today’s Dumbass Moose Story doesn’t, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: “A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff’s deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, “If something happens to me, give this to my wife.”

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways…

  1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
  2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
  3. The moose was tangled up. “Tangled up” meaning “trapped’, “cornered”, “unable to flee”. Bad mojo.
  4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is “distressed”. A “distressed” moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he’s being jacked with.
  5. The most important word, and by “most important” I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
  6. One wrong move and the “give this to my wife” moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples’ air.
  7. The cop is a Dumbass.

From the mouths of Dumbasses, “I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do,” he said Wednesday. “Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn’t seem threatened.” What. The. Fuck.
See 1 – 7 above.

More from the cop: “Pretty crazy stuff,” he said. “This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last.”

I. Am. Speechless.

Almost.

Dumbass.

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The Story of the Moose, the Swing Set & the Dumbass

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for “weird news”. You see HuffPo’s “Weird News” often translates to Fearless Leader’s Dumbass News. So, it’s cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don’t plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see “Weird News”, I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today’s story idea, HuffPo.

Moose-sylvania

Not Named “Fluffy”

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into – literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That’s two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It’s a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he’s a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today’s Dumbass Moose Story doesn’t, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: “A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff’s deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, “If something happens to me, give this to my wife.”

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways…

  1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
  2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
  3. The moose was tangled up. “Tangled up” meaning “trapped’, “cornered”, “unable to flee”. Bad mojo.
  4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is “distressed”. A “distressed” moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he’s being jacked with.
  5. The most important word, and by “most important” I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
  6. One wrong move and the “give this to my wife” moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples’ air.
  7. The cop is a Dumbass.

From the mouths of Dumbasses, “I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do,” he said Wednesday. “Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn’t seem threatened.” What. The. Fuck.
See 1 – 7 above.

More from the cop: “Pretty crazy stuff,” he said. “This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last.”

I. Am. Speechless.

Almost.

Dumbass.

My Dumbass Dliemma, The Fwench, Utah Dumbasses & 9-1-1 Dumbassery

I Have Been to the Mountain Top!

Fellow Dumbasses, I need you today like I’ve never needed you before. I guess that’s because I’ve never needed you before. Literary Brilliance Note: The first two sentences of this post were put there to “hook” you into reading further. That’s why it is called a “hook”. See? It worked.You’re still here, ain’t you? Just like a hungry catfish that can’t resist that big ass hunk of smelly, juicy chicken live on a 3/0 fishing hook, I have reeled you in. Damn, I’m good!

My Dilemma 


I am facing something that I suppose that every world famous, adualted, idolized two bit blogger like me encounters every once in a while. You see, when you’re at the top your blogging game a retired middle aged piss ant “wirier” like me, there will come a time when it’s almost impossible to live up stay in the cesspool of daily blogging. Sometimes the Blogging gods look down upon you with pity and bless you with a week’s worth of material that is divinely inspired – like last week. The problem is how in the name of all that is Holy do you follow up such sagacity without taking a dramatic plunge back into the depths of internet darkness? That’s the difficulty I confronted this week. How could I not crash and burn???!!!


On a Roll

I don’t know how it happened but it happened. Another Dumbass Week of outstanding dumbassery inj the shadow of the Dumbassery before it, and I pulled it off with aplomb, never once intimidated by the mission before me. It? “It” is following up last week’s masterpieces with equally hypnotic screeds thus preventing that “falling off a cliff” feeling that so often follows such classic works. When you are in the pits, the fall ain’t so bad, but when you are at the apex of blogging brilliance as I was last week, the long, frightening descent to oblivion gives one an emotion of desperation exceeded only by the thoughts of the sudden stop at the end of the seemingly never ending dive.

Dumbassery for the Ages

Alas, next week will present me with a whole new set of tribulations to conquer. The coming days can wait, however, as I bask in the warm glow of my achievements of yesterweek.

Speaking of yesterweek, I just happened to have saved for posterity the timeless musings of your Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde with your children and grand children in mind. Some day the little bastiges tykes will grow up and read the heartwarming prose of their ancestors. When that melancholy moment embraces them, a tear will well up in their eyes, memories of long ago suddenly rushing through their minds, an inaudible whisper will caress their lips as it flows to the ears of the Almighty (or one of his sidekicks)…..”Damn. Dad sure was a Dumbass.” <sniffle>

The Timelessness of Excellence

As type through the mistiness of tears blurring my vision, tearsinspired by the bullshit tenderness, as presented above,of what is yet to come, I impart to you the glue that holds us all together, that all encompassing power that is Dumbassery.

  • Learning from the Fwench – Two words I never thought I’d put in the same sentence. “Learn” and “Fwench”. Raise the Fwench National Flag! The solid white one. The end is nigh.Sacre bleu!
  • Utah and Moonbats – Two more words I would have bet my gazebos on that I would never put in the same sentence. “Moonbats” and “Utah”. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are mounting up for a ride.
  • 9-1-1: Hotline to an Ass Kickin’ – Hello, Police? Would you be so kind as to stop by my place? I need a good ass kickin’. And a few felonies.” The cops are quick to oblige requests like this one. 

I told you. Dumabssery that evokes emotion, thought and projectile puking. 

Adieu, You Cop Fightin’ Fwench Cougars and…

Dumbasses.

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South Smoke Shop – One word. Cigars. “nuff said.

A Lesson for Dumbass Young Adults:There Are "Cougars" & Then There Are Cougars

Cougars

Political Correctness. I’ d rather slide down a mile long razor blade nekkid and land in rubbing alcohol than to be PC. As you might have assumed by the previous statement, I ain’t too hip on all this touchy, feely, San Francisco-like crap. You know what I mean, don’t you? “You’re you, I’m me and that’s why I love you”. (Thanks to Lamont Sanford for the quote) Just thinking about this kind donkey doo doo makes me want bleach my brain.

PC is bad enough when used in every day life, but when it oozes like pus from a canker sore into other aspects of our normal routine, like football, High School football even, for Pete’s sake, it has entered Scared Territory and must be confronted with great prejudice. Obliterated. Wiped out. Annihilated.

Yet, oozing onto the gridiron is exactly what this Satan’s Spawn of an ideology has done. In Utah of all places! This travesty has all the earmarks of Cal-ee-forn-yuns relocating to Mormonville and spreading their religion of Liberalism. I could very well be wrong, nonetheless this thing sucks sweaty boar hog gazebos.

Cougars No More

Corner Canyon High School in Draper, Utah is the unwitting victim of a bunch of sissified, politically correct dumbasses that should be summarily rounded up and forced, under the threat of tar and feathers, to listen to William Shatner’s version of Rocket Man for 24 hours straight. Those sub humans would be begging for tar and feathers within 30 seconds.

Utah is Lost

The really sad thing about this PC bullshit is that it wasn’t the Draper School Board or Utah Department of Education that was behind this sinful act. It was the Students of the school! I.Kid.You.Not. This is a new school and the name Cougars was chosen to be the mascot for its athletic teams. I don’t know exactly who chose Cougars to represent Corner Canyon High, but the students in all their skull full of mush glory voted to change mascots from Cougars to Chargers.  Why would these kids make such a big deal out of domething as simple as a team nickname feel compelled to do something so damn stoopid. Because they are stoopid! Stoopid from years of Liberal Indoctrination being force fed them by their (some) parents, schools, media and God knows who else.

Hey, if the students of any high school in the USA wants conduct a vote to change the school mascot from one thing to another, that’s great by me. The things about this particular mascot name switcheroo is why the issue was brought up in the first place. The reason? Because “Cougars” is a derogatory name for women on the prowl for younger boyfriends! I just threw up a little in my mouth.

The Truth About Cougars

Do these knuckleheaded young people not realize that cougars have indeed prowled the Earth in one form or another for millions of years?! I can say with 100% certainty that not a single cougar in the history of cougars has ever been on the prowl for younger boyfriends, except maybe for lunch. Correct me if I am wrong, but the term “cougar” (older chicks chasing younger men) didn’t to into being until recently?

No Attending BYU

I don’t know about you, but I always think of older women chasing younger men when on a sportscast I hear, “In high school football action tonight, the Cougars defeated the Lions, 28 – 7.” According to the young dumbasses of Corner Canyon High, this must mean 28 “cougars” went on the prowl and rounded up 7 younger guys and had their way with the poor young men. As a pig of a man, I scream to the highest heavens, “Yay!!!! Lucky bastiges!” But that’s just me.

How resolute will these kids be when they get a scholarship offer from Brigham Young University? After all, the mascot for BYU is, you guessed it, the Cougar! The phrase “show me the money” comes to mind here.

I am of the opinion that not many students or fans of BYU football automatically think of horny older broads chasing after young bucks when they (the fans & students) hear the word “cougar” during the play by play of a Brigham Young U. football broadcast on the radio. I’ll admit that there could be a few, but they are probably from Cal-ee-forn-yah anyway, so that’s to be expected from the perverted little Commies.

Need I remind you that BYU is a Mormon university where, to the best of my knowledge, they are not allowed to smoke, curse, fornicate or drink caffeine? Mormons are very conservative folks and they are the ones who picked the BYU mascot! Something about the terrain in Utah leads me to believe that one reason “Cougars” was chosen as the nic for BYU is that there may be, oh I don’t, some cougars in them thar hills! I’ll go out on limb and speculate nary a one of the females is on the prowl for a younger man – again, except for lunch.

It’s No Fun

I don’t feel some sense of superiority in chastising these younguns, but dammit if they actually believe all this PC Feces, then somebody has the slap a little logic into them, metaphorically speaking of course, and it might as well be me. It’s apparent that their Mothers and Fathers ain’t gonna do it.

As I have stated many times on this blog, I hate to call kids/young adults dumbasses except when it is necessary to the plot. This is necessary to the plot. These young men and women are the Future, maybe even some future ‘cougars”, of our country. They must be at least presented the cold hard facts of common sense by someone with a great deal of life experience when the whole damn lot of ’em have a collective brain fart. They brain farted. I presented.

Dumbasses.

And I say that with Cougar love. BYU Cougar love.

The Give and Take of Dumbass Karma

A Minefield in Waiting
I woke up this morning in hopes of it all being a bad dream, a side trip to the Twilight Zone. Alas, it was not to be. It was real. As real as the credit card bills sure to follow. Now that’s real. 
I am talking about this morning, the day after Christmas. I was awakened like somebody took a Louisville Slugger to my skull. Pow! Right in the kisser! Actually it was Bailey the 4 Year Old with a still-unwrapped, fresh, new toy from Santa. In a minute or two, she brought in another one. Then another one. Goodbye, nice, warm, comfy fancy schmancy bed, hello cold as hell downstairs computer chair and the real world. Once downstairs, I skillfully navigated a veritable minefield of Christmas toys scattered about the living room, stumbling over a Hot Wheels Race Track but gracefully maintaining my balance like I meant to do it. Ha! Pure luck and like the old saying goes, “I’d rather be lucky than good any day.” 
Nice People and a Blue Streak
Today’s story takes place in, of all the places on Earth, in Ogden, Utah. Utah has got to have the sweetest people in the world living there. If a Utahn says,”Oh, darn it!”, he has cussed up a blue streak according to the Sweetest People in the World Utah Almanac, Chapter 2, “Cussing Up a Blue Streak in Utah”. You can only imagine the scorn heaped upon a Utahn if he were to blurt out “boobie” or something. It’s not a pretty sight, I can assure you. Anyway, on to the story.
The Story
These two guys in Ogden were not members of the Sweetest People in the World Club, they were thieves. The guys got busted for doing their Christmas shoplifting early this year. A store security guy caught the two crooks and cited them for stealing make up (?) and some other stuff totaling about $26 and lets them go. So they head back to their truck which was parked near-by, empty-handed, embarrassed and busted.  Could anything go wrong that would be worse than that? Are you kiddin’ me? This is Dumbass News, of course something more humiliating is gonna happen!

Christmas Karma
So the two dumbasses make it back to their truck only to find out…wait…for…it…the truck had been burglarized! I ain’t makin’ this up! I would have given a million dollars to have seen the looks on these two idiots’ faces. Talk about a new MasterCard commercial! I can see it now. Shoplifting, $26. Court fees and fines, $300. The look on the faces of shoplifters whose truck had been broken into, priceless. It’s kinda funny how life has a way of smacking you down and calling you “Shorty”, especially if you just got nailed for stealing. Who ever said that God doesn’t have a sense of humor must be an atheist. “Cause this is damn funny! bwahahahahahahahahahaha
The Public Excoriation of Two Morons
The Dumbass Salute!
If you live in or near the Ogden, Utah area, you can participate in a fun-for-all game called Humiliate Stoopid as a Spitwad Criminals! This game entitles players identify and roundly and loudly denigrate ignoramus thieves like Kori Vanhouten and Eldon Alexander. These guys are the two Einsteins who pulled off the Dumbass Daily Double of getting busted for stealing and getting and being stolen from in a span of about five minutes. Congratulations, men! You have accomplished something as rare as hen’s teeth and a million times more embarrassing. I salute you!
Dumbasses.

Moose vs. Dumbass – Guess Who Wins?

1500 Pounds of Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love

I have traveled to 30 some odd states in The Fruited Plain and have each of them to have a special quality about itself – even Oklahoma (Hook ’em Horns!) From the breadth and depth and the geographic diversity of Texas to the deep blue waters of the Atlantic Coast of Maine, the United States is indeed blessed by God with incredible beauty. Our smallest state, Rhode Island, which isn’t even an island, has a landmark every American should see – a traffic signal. Such excitement! However, one the country’s most beautiful states, Utah, has never blessed my eyes with her natural wonders. I hope to change that next summer. Utah does, however, make itself known to me through a common bond that we share – dumbasses. Yes, even a conservative, mostly white guy, Mormon state has its share of dumbasses. Here’s what I mean:

Some guy in Utah named Zeke or some shit like that was hiking in a state park when he came upon a male and a female moose near the trail he was on. “Beautiful!”, Zeke (or some shit like that) thought. He was so excited he grabbed his cell phone and began to take photos and video of the encounter. Speaking of encounters, the moose weren’t where they were to exchange vegetarian cookie recipes. male and female moose are in the same location for reason and one reason alone – SEX. Mad Monkey Moose Sex. Propagation of the species and all that stuff. Did I mention that when a Bull Moose wants Mad Monkey Moose Sex, he finds it highly offensive that some some Mormon white guy interferes with the heavy duty moose boinking that lay ahead. In fact, he gets flat out PISSED OFF. Mr. Bull Moose, all 1500 pounds of him, gave Zeke a fake charge and went back to the Lady Moose for Mad Monkey Moose Sex. Zeke failed to heed the Bull Moose’s warning and kept on filming the “encounter”. Senor Bull Moose then proceeded to stomp a mud hole in Zeke, who is now known as the Mormon White Guy Dumbass, once again returning to the Lady Moose for their predestined mating ritual.

Other than having a fetish for watching Mad Monkey Moose Sex, I cannot for the life of me understand why Zeke just didn’t quietly leave the moose to Nature’s Call and continue on with his hike. The beer in Utah is only 3.2% good stuff, so the idea that Zeke was drunk ain’t gonna wash with me. He’s just an everyday Mormon White Guy Dumbass. Simple as that. But, I am still pissed that Zeke would defame and demean the magnificent home state of Robert Redford, Donnie and Marie and the Utah State cheerleaders.

Dumbass.

How to Lose $425,000 Dollars Worth of Marijuana in One Easy Lesson

Boy, have I got a doozy of a dumbass story for you today. If the dumbass were any thicker in this story, you could cut it with a knife. So, let’s get to slicin’.

A man and a woman recently took off from Utah heading across the country to North Carolina. However, this was no ordinary cross country cruise. On the leg of their trip that found them in Wyoming, the couple was carjacked by three men in a red SUV. “That’s terrible!,” you’re thinking. Yes and no. It’s terrible that the two were carjacked, but not as terrible as you might suspect. You see, our two lovers were hauling over $425,000 worth of pot from Utah to North Carolina. Not only did they get carjacked, but almost a half million dollars worth of pot was stolen along with their car! Dumbasses. This constitutes a bad day if you are a drug dealer. Totin’ over four hundred “large” worth of weed for over 2000 miles is stupid enough, but when you get carjacked and your Latin Lettuce is taken, too, we are getting dangerously close to dumbass territory. One would think that having been the victim of this crime and somebody’s very large cargo of chronic is stolen from you, it seems like this might be a good time to thank God that you are alive, despite being more stupid than a rat’s asshole, cut your losses and get as far away as possible from the guy who entrusted you with $425,000 worth of Meskin Marlboros. The Pot Guy just might be a smidgen miffed when he’s told his pot has been stolen from his trustworthy couriers. Why he might even be mad enough to, oh, I don’t know, KILL SOMEONE!!! When the Pot Guy finds out that you called the Police to report the carjacking, I’ve got this sneaky suspicion that he’ll become even more unhinged over this turn of events.

Have you ever noticed when reading about or watching one of those cop shows, that only dumbasses haul large quantities of drugs around? I mean aside from the fact that hauling large amounts of contraband is a dumbass thing to do anyway. These two dumbasses got carjacked, but I have read a hundred times that so many of these losers get pulled over for the most minor of offenses – not using a turn signal, a brake light is out, speeding…you get the idea. But the two dumbass pot haulers in this story get carjacked, lose the pot to the other bad guys and call the cops to report the carjacking, never once (apparently) thinking that the cops might find over $400,000 worth of ganja is their car? The couple and one of the other bad guys were arrested and put in a Wyoming jail.

This has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life. I’m sitting here as I type this, still wondering what. the. fuck.?! These two goofballs give even drug runners a bad name. Dumbasses.