Happy Valentines Day, Dumbasses!
Tens of millions of you will be giving gifts to that Special Someone. And for all you Dumbasses, that Special Someone will be getting off the short bus later today or will be released from The Home for the Criminally Stupid on a day pass. Regardless, you’ll want to shower them with gifts of chocolate, flowers and maybe even a night out at your favorite restaurant.
While all the gifts mentioned above are fine and dandy for Ordinary People, being a Dumbass means going the extra mile when it comes to gift-giving. And by “extra mile”, I of course mean “leaving Mommy’s basement” and buying a “unique” gift for your Dumbass Valentine.
Valentines Day, Dumbass Style
In order to find an appropriate Dumbass Valentines gift, you must think outside the box. The following gift suggestions are prime examples of thinking outside the box or in Dumbass parlance, being extremely drunk.
The Dumbasses at YourTango.com have come up with a gift list that will surely astonish even the most discerning of Valentines.
1. Pig’s heart with a nail through it. Seriously? Yes, seriously. This is what Real World: Londonparticipant Neil received as a “gift” from his then girlfriend. Yummy? Pretty? Romantic? You decide.
2. Severed head. “Taking someone’s head after killing them was a ritualistic part of life in the culture until the 1930s and suitors would present severed heads to potential partners to woo them or to brides to celebrate their marriage,” according to archive material in the Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew. But the real question is what does one do with a severed head … put it on the wall? Say thank you and store it in fridge á la Jeffrey Dahmer? Yes! (I think.)
3. Hissing cockroach. If you’re stumped as to what get your great love, then the Bronx Zoo has the answer. HISSING COCKROACH. No! Not the actual thing, but naming your beloved after one of the thousands Madagascar hissing cockroaches after them. Nothing says romance like a cockroach … can I get a high-five on this one?
4. A massacre. On Valentine’s Day 1929, Al Capone set out to murder everyone who was against him in Chicago, including the North Side Gang. While this may have been a stellar gift to himself, the outcry after the massacre resulted in the beginning of the end of Capone’s reign. Takeaway? Valentines gift you give to yourself shouldn’t just be all about you. Duh.
5. An STD. This one comes from semi-personal experience … no, no, not me! A few years ago a co-worker hooked up with her ex well after the fact. Since they used to have sex, she decided a condom wasn’t necessary. This was December. Although they didn’t speak again after that one incident, she did receive a card on Valentine’s Day — messenger delivered, mind you — saying: “Congrats! I gave you herpes!” It was from the ex-boyfriend.
What Dumbass Valentine wouldn’t love to receive something as cool as this stuff? Except for the STD thingy that is.
Now sally forth into the madness that is Valentines Day shopping! These gift ideas are guaranteed to please your sweetie pie! Or guaranteed to hasten a possibly bloody break up.