Category: Vampires

Cure for Erectile Dysfunction? Breastfeeding for Grown Men!

I am at an age (55) when physical maladies that also beset millions of other Dumbasses of similar Life Seniority have begun to manifest themselves upon my person.  I am mainly talking about My close friend Arthur Itis and his cousin Fi Bro Myalgia.


While these discomforts are quite unpleasant to deal with, I am thankful beyond words that I am not afflicted with something really serious like cancer, heart disease or God forbid, E.D. While some of my body parts function with limited success, others do exactly what they were designed to do, and for that I am most happy.


Dysfunctional Ding-a-ling 


There’s a guy named Jeff from Parts Unknown, USA who says that he has problems with his pee pee. Jeff is only 34 years old, so this is indeed sad news for not only Jeff, but his better half, Michelle. It is great news, however, for Duracell or whoever manufactures the brand of batteries Michelle uses in her Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB) when good ol’ Jeff can’t “tote the mail”.


Jeff and Michelle have searched far and wide for something that will make Jeff’s pecker “normal” again. I would assume that their search includes using hard-on medication like Viagra or Cialis. Quick aside: Why do the drug companies that produce pills that make a man’s willie stand up like a Georgia pine for extended periods of time advise you to seek medical help if your erection lasts longer than four hours? I have never understood this. I am telling you right here and right now that if I ever find myself in need of medical assistance in achieving a woody and I consume one of these drugs to help me out, I am riding that baby to Kingdom Come if that’s where it leads me. Medical attention indeed.


Jeff’s “Medical Assistance” 

E D Symptom Alleviators

Brother Jeff has come up with a novel method of  alleviating the symptoms of his Erectile Dysfunction. He drinks his wife’s breast milk! I am not making this up! 

The source for this story is the HuffandPuffnadBlowYourHouseDownington Post. Here’s an  extra long excerpt that takes this tale beyond the limits of stoopid, straight into the World of Dumbass: Jeff and Michelle, who wish to have their last names withheld, have been incorporating breastfeeding into their sexual routine since a few months after the birth of their first child. The girl, now age 2, has stopped breastfeeding, but Michelle, 27, is now producing milk for the couple’s 8-month-old son.

Jeff drinks his wife’s milk “straight from the source.” Not only do both partners find the process intensely erotic, but Jeff also says that it significantly alleviates his symptoms of erectile dysfunction.
The children have always received first priority when it comes to Michelle’s milk supply, Jeff noted.
The couple will be featured on the season 3 premiere of ‘Strange Sex.’ However, when Jeff and Michelle first submitted an application, they were hoping to be featured for a different fetish: vampirism.
Vampirism is “exactly what it sounds like,” Jeff said, though he added, “I do not need blood for sustenance.”
For Michelle and Jeff, vampirism is by no means a gory experience. The bites Jeff would give Michelle would “essentially be like a scraped knee,” with minimal amounts of blood.
The vampirism alleviated his ED symptoms “somewhat,” Jeff said, but the two practiced it fairly infrequently, partially due to the risk of scarring.
What This Means     
After careful and studied contemplation on the matter at hand, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that Jeff and Michelle are Dumbasses.
What did you expect me to say? That these two freaks are merely “expressing themselves”? I think they are expressing themselves all right, expressing themselves in a way that screams, “We are two fucking psychotics!”.  
Jeff, my man, go back to using the instant stiffy stuff. Drinking a nursing mother’s Boob Juice  ain’t cool, bro. I don’t care if your thingy is hangin’ there limp as an egg noodle that has been soaking in water for a week.
And that vampire gig? Bad joo joo.
Another thing, what are you gonna suck on when the “well” runs dry?
Never mind. I don’t want to know.
Dumbass. 
Thanks to the HuffPo for not (yet) suing my ass off for using the long excerpt. 
  
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Vampires Put the Bite to Roommate

Just One Little Sip?

There is evidently an upswing in vampirism in the United States. A bing search of the term “vampires in the usa” yielded an incredible 57,470,000 results, where “dumbasses in the usa” yielded only 287,000 results. Personally, having traveled this country from coast to coast and from Canada to Mexico, I feel like dumbasses have been short changed. I have met thoudsands of dumbasses, but not one vampire. It follows, according to my experience, that all vampires are dumbasses, but not all dumbasses are vampires. Today’s little excursion into dumbassery involves a dumbass, who is not a vampire, and two dumbass vampires.

Here’s the deal: This 25 year old guy, Robert Maley, has two roommates who are vampires. He knew this little tidbit of information when they all became roommates. As a matter of fact, Maley had, at least once, allowed his roomies to drink his blood! At this point, I think it’s safe to say that Maley is a dumbass. I have a saying that goes like this: “feed ’em and they come back”. Until now, I was referring to animals and people. If you leave food for a wild animal of any kind, squirrels, raccoons, birds, etc., then they will return to the place where the easy grub was. Same goes for vampires…give ’em just one teensy taste of your blood and they want more! Just ask Robert Maley. Recently when his dumbass vampire friends wanted to have another sip of his blood, he said “no”. Well…being the good dumbass vampires they are, Robert’s friends would not take “no” for an answer. So one them stabbed him for making fun of him (the dumbass friend) for being a vampire. I gotta admit that is one way to get blood from an unwilling party. That is also a felony! It ends up that Robert Maley was treated for his wounds and the two dumbass vampire friends were treated like felons, earning free room and board at the county lockup, with a stay at the State Pen not too far into the future.To top it all off, Maley was arrested for a probation violation, thus cementing his place in dumbassery.

All of this took place in Arizona, which is a great place to live…unless you are a dumbass vampire. Or a dumbass who knowingly lives with vampires, which has got to suck.  🙂

Dumbasses Ride Again!

Since I am the Head Dumbass around here, there are times when an Executive Dumbass Decision is in order, and today is one of those times. I am bit under the weather, so I Executive Decided to make today’s post a “Best of…” (or should that be “Worst of…?) thing. Therefore, I went through the blog archives ( for those of you in San Francisco that means I looked through some old stories…dumbasses) At any rate, I picked out some of the more dumbass posts from the past and will re-post them for your reading pleasure. And by that I mean that you can read these stories and find someone whose life is more screwed up than yours. Kind of a therapeutic deal, ya know? And it’s free. if you were to get this treatment from a licensed dumbass like a shrink, you’d be paying $125 per hour. You’re welcome.

  • Dear Dead Person…Since the government ain’t much help to you while you’re living and breathing, they are more than willing to give you a hand while you are taking a dirt nap! This could be a very lucrative business for the right person. I won’t give you any ideas about how it could be a gold mine, but you don’t have to be Einstein to figure it out.
  • Dumbass Vampires– Vampires seem to be all the rage these days. I don’t understand why that is so, but I do know that anybody who dabbles in such bullshit is a dumbass. 
  • Tattoos Are Forever, Dumbass– I, personally, don’t see what the big deal about tattoos is. They’re just not my mug of beer, so to speak. I must admit, though, that I have seen some great works of art etched on some people. Then again, there are some dumbasses that carry “body art” to the extreme and the dumbass in our story today is one of those people.

Warning: Too much dumbassery can be harmful to your well being. I just made that up, so you’re safe to read about dumbasses all day long if you wanna. By the way, if you’ve got a dumbass story that you’d like to share with the rest of the world, drop me a line at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. I’d love to hear from you.

Dumbass Vampires!

There is evidently an upswing in vampirism in the United States. A bing search of the term “vampires in the usa” yielded an incredible 57,470,000 results, where “dumbasses in the usa” yielded only 287,000 results. Personally, having traveled this country from coast to coast and from Canada to Mexico, I feel like dumbasses have been short changed. I have met thoudsands of dumbasses, but not one vampire. It follows, according to my experience, that all vampires are dumbasses, but not all dumbasses are vampires. Today’s little excursion into dumbassery involves a dumbass, who is not a vampire, and two dumbass vampires.

Here’s the deal: This 25 year old guy, Robert Maley, has two roommates who are vampires. He knew this little tidbit of information when they all became roommates. As a matter of fact, Maley had, at least once, allowed his roomies to drink his blood! At this point, I think it’s safe to say that Maley is a dumbass. I have a saying that goes like this: “feed ’em and they come back”. Until now, I was referring to animals and people. If you leave food for a wild animal of any kind, squirrels, raccoons, birds, etc., then they will return to the place where the easy grub was. Same goes for vampires…give ’em just one teensy taste of your blood and they want more! Just ask Robert Maley. Recently when his dumbass vampire friends wanted to have another sip of his blood, he said “no”. Well…being the good dumbass vampires they are, Robert’s friends would not take “no” for an answer. So one them stabbed him for making fun of him (the dumbass friend) for being a vampire. I gotta admit that is one way to get blood from an unwilling party. That is also a felony! It ends up that Robert Maley was treated for his wounds and the two dumbass vampire friends were treated like felons, earning free room and board at the county lockup, with a stay at the State Pen not too far into the future.To top it all off, Maley was arrested for a probation violation, thus cementing his place in dumbassery.

All of this took place in Arizona, which is a great place to live…unless you are a dumbass vampire. Or a dumbass who knowingly lives with vampires, which has got to suck.  🙂