Category: Vibrator

Upstate and Upside the Skull with a Sex Toy!

TWELVE Inches??!!

When I wrote this story about some drunk, horny Battery Operated Boyfriend-wielding Dumbass Dame attacking a policeman last November, I remember thinking at the time that stories like that would come around about once every 12 to 18 months. I was wrong. It took less than six months for another one to become the buzz (ha ha) of the internet.

For today’s Assault by Dildo Adventure we venture to Upstate New York.

BOB and the Cop

The Watertown, New York Police Department recently received an early morning call about an unwanted person at a local residence. The “unwanted person” was a local woman who was not a welcomed guest at the home of a male friend of hers. At 3AM! This would be the appropriate time to inject (pun intended) into the story that the bitch was, shall we say, drunk. No, we shall say that the bimbo was blasted. 


Anyway, it was three in the morning and Officer Jonathon Pitts did his duty and went to check out what the hell was happening at this apartment. Upon surmising that the woman was indeed inebriated and not welcomed at the guy’s home, Officer Pitts went about escorting the Dumbass from the residence when IT happened.

The suspect, Lisa Anderson, took offense to being removed from the premises and on the way out, lead by Officer Pitts, Anderson noticed a pink sex toy that just happened to be laying in a nearby chair. It was at this point that she picked up the plastic penis, threw a high heater ( a little baseball lingo there) in the general direction of the cop and it smacked the Good Officer on the forehead!

Questions immediately abound.

WTF

Being the inquisitive Dumbass that I am, I demand answers to some very pertinent questions that arise from this incident.

Questions:

  • Why is Lisa Anderson, the drunk fake dick throwing dumbass out at 3 AM? Did her mother not ever tell her that nothing good happens after midnight? 
  • Why is there a pink plastic penis “just laying around” in a chair in the living room of the victim’s apartment? I am of the opinion that the guy in this story wanted to get his freak on with Lisa and the BOB but she was too loaded to perform to his specifications. This is merely speculative mind you.
  • As a former Professional Drinker, I saw and did some pretty damned stoopid shit, but throwing a dildo at a cop was not one of them. Of course, I never had much use for a TWELVE INCH (according to the police report) pink plastic ding a ling, whether my Blood Alcohol Content was .02 or .20. Then again I was never lucky enough to be around a drunk chick who came over to my house at 3 AM wanting to play “Bury the BOB in My Nether Regions”. Damn the bad luck.
Three Hour Tour 
It goes without saying that Lisa was taken into custody and put up for the remainder of the night in the City of Watertown Cross Bar Hilton charged with the “old dildo to the head of the investigating flat foot is a no-no” statute. This is a misdemeanor offense, so after sobering up, Lisa was released from custody and hightailed it straight away to a local 7-11 where she purchased a bottle of the Mad Dog and some “C” cell batteries for BOB. 
I hope she gets here before 3 AM.
Dumbass.
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Sex Toy Mishap Leads to Vibrator Litigation!

WARNING!!! This story is NSFW! (unless you have a freak for a boss) It is especially INAPPROPRIATE for children! You have been WARNED. Gross out WARNING also!

Love in a Box

Where to start, where to start where to start? There are a lot of love birds in the world today that seek to “enhance” their sex lives – Viagra, Cialis, “marital aids”, etc. Considering this, one doesn’t have to look too far for a dumbass freaky sex toy story. And boy have I got a doozy for you today!

A lady in Northern California is suing a “marital aid” maker in SoCal because of a terrible experience using one of their products. The fake dick maker is named, get this, Pipedreams Products. Now that’s funny! But my question is, how does one have an accident using a vibrator or some such? According to the woman, she and her boyfriend were having Mad Monkey sex when she felt a sharp pain “down there”. the guy quickly removed the vibrator and it was covered with blood. The chick thought at the time that her “monthly visitor” had made its round. That theory was shot to hell when she continued to lose blood and fade in and out of lucidity. Her son thought his mother was dieing and she did, too. The son rushed her to the hospital where she administered several pints of blood and stabilized. The lady tried to get some compensation from Pipedreams, but the company said, “How about a new fake weenie and a set of ass beads instead?”. This offer was not well received by the woman in question. OK, I made that new fake weenie and ass beads part up. The point is that Pipedreams said, “Haha, bitch, you are screwed. And bloody. But mostly screwed.” So she is now suing the fake dick maker, who has blood on his, er, uh, hands. Or something.

This episode brings to mind several thought-provoking questions, but I’ll address just a couple or three. Question number 1: How in the world can a vibrator cause a bloody mess in a woman’s vagina? Explosion? The lady mistook a small kitchen appliance for her sex toy? Maybe the boyfriend was slammin’ it “in there” like a construction worker with a jack hammer working a a New York City sidewalk. I dunno. I’m still trying to figger this one out. Question number 2: Does a government agency test these sex toys to ensure their safety, like they do hair dryers or or kids’ car seats? You know, A Department of Fake Dick Testing or some such. If so, I hope they test them on Playboy Playmates or some sleaze ball skanky sluts from the porn industry. Question number 3: is this government agency hiring?

Dumbasses.