Category: Vodka

Hand Sanitizer: The New Vodka for Dumbasses

Why didn’t I think of this when I was a Professional Drinker?

Drunks or addicts are always looking for a new cheap way to get high. They resort to over the counter medications like Sudafed, Nyquil or even mouthwash in order to get a buzz. I am sure you have heard of this.

Just yesterday, however, I discovered a way to get a buzz on that would not in a million years have crossed my mind, and now that I know about it, still wouldn’t do it. But it’s a novel idea nonetheless.

The latest “magic elixir”? Hand sanitizer. Yes, that stuff you wash your hands with to get all those pesky viruses and other bad shit off of them. Not only does hand sanitizer rid your hands of bacteria that could make you sick, it packs quite a wallop evidently.

DUI

Clean Hands & a Clean Liver

A lady gets pulled over while driving because she was all over the road and nearly hit a parked car. Upon  approaching the lady, the office who pulled her over smelled alcohol. The lady denied that she had been drinking. At least she hadn’t been drinking likker. She had been slammin’ down hand sanitizer!

According to the Daily Mail, upon further review, she later admitted to downing half of a large bottle of hand sanitizer.
Medical experts said a 20z bottle of the liquid contains about the equivalent in alcohol of four vodka shots.
Wilcox, from Middlebury, Connecticut, is thought to have drank the equivalent of 32 shots giving her blood alcohol level of 0.17
In an interview with News 8 Wilcox, who decline to have her photograph taken, admitted to drinking hand sanitizer.

She said: ‘I just saw it there so I drank it.’

When asked how much she drank, she replied: ‘Half a bottle.’
She told the TV station she drank from a big bottle but after being charged with DUI said it was the last time.

Observations 

  • Hand sanitizer? Really?
  • Why?
  • Cheap vodka is only about seven bucks a bottle and tastes much better, I’m sure.
  • It was “just there”? Clorox Bleach is “just there”, but I can assure you that I have absolutely no inclination to grab a shot glass and go to town on it.
  • If it’s that good, why stop at half a bottle? Only amateur drinkers do this. Go for the Big Time, baby! Slam the whole damn bottle!   
  • How many hospital workers feel the urge to knock back a few shots of hand sanitizer while on duty? That shit is everywhere in hospitals and those people are under a tremendous amount of stress.
  • I will now take a Breathalyzer with me to all doctor visits and the occasional trip to the hospital. 
  • This is what happens when you live in a Communist State like Connecticut.
  • This calls for immediate Hand Sanitizer Control measures.
  • When they outlaw hand sanitizer, only outlaws will have hand sanitizer.
  • They can pry my hand sanitizer from my cold dead hands.
  • Does Rite Aid have this stuff on sale?

Dumbass.

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Russian Dumbass-kis Keep Stolen Caviar in the Morgue! No Objections from Dead People

Caviar or Rabbit Turds?

Best of Dumbass News

I like to travel. I have been lucky enough to have visited 30-something states in the USA and one very quick trip to Mexico. There are many beautiful places in the world that I’d love to see – China, Brazil and Russia to name a few. Speaking of Russia…

Russia

Amongst things like communism and mass murder, Russia is also known for being home to some of the most beautiful places on Planet Earth. One of the great cities in Russia is St. Petersburg. It has a long and storied history as well.

In St. Pete you’ll also find many Russian dumbasses. Like one of the morgue employees and a business he drinks vodka with. During one of their many forays into the tater juice, these two dumbasskis, as Russian dumbasses are known, the two men hatched a plot to sell caviar on the black market. This is a big  nyet-nyet in the Motherland. Anyway, these guys round up 365 pounds of caviar, but they have to have a cool place to store it. It just so happens that they have one already. The morgue! It’s a cool place and the people there won’t eat because they are dead.

Busted

The Russian authorities catch wind of the plot and quickly swoop in and nail these two idiots. And as you may have heard, Russian police are not very polite when they make a collar.They do things like beat the shit out of suspects. That is if the suspect is lucky. Unlucky suspects suffer other injuries like broken bones and severe lacerations. or death. In this case what a lucky break it would be if the suspects were beaten to death because they are already at the morgue! Talk about saving taxpayer money!

Caviar comes sturgeon. Sturgeon fishing is illegal where the suspects were supposedly catching the sturgeon. Another big nyet-nyet. Near the morgue the police found 47 sturgeon carcasses and were at all amused. I don’t know about you, but I get the feeling that our two dumbasses are in big trouble.

The Morgue as a Fridge

While a morgue makes a fine refrigerator, I don’t think they are intended to be used to store poached (no pun intended) caviar. I believe they are exclusively for the storage of dead people. Or vodka. But not caviar. I could, however, be mistaken. This is Russia we are talking about. They do some weird shit over there.

Another thing I don’t understand is why anyone would want to eat fish eggs. Why not alligator eggs or turtle eggs? I wouldn’t eat them either, but geez, fish eggs? From a protected fish at that! I guess I don’t understand because I am a dumbass.

But at least I didn’t illegally take fish eggs, that resemble rabbit shit, from a protected species that looks like a catfish that has been exposed to nuclear radiation like these guys did. And store them in a room full of dead bodies. And cheap vodka.

Dumbasses.

Caviar in the Morgue!

Fish Eggs That Look Like Rabbit Turds

I like to travel. I have been lucky enough to have visited 30-something states in the USA and one very quick trip to Mexico. There are many beautiful places in the world that I’d love to see – China, Brazil and Russia to name a few. Speaking of Russia…

Russia

Amongst things like communism and mass murder, Russia is also known for being home to some of the most beautiful places on Planet Earth. One of the great cities in Russia is St. Petersburg. It has a long and storied history as well.

In St. Pete you’ll also find many Russian dumbasses. Like one of the morgue employees and a business he drinks vodka with. During one of their many forays into the tater juice, these two dumbasskis, as Russian dumbasses are known, the two men hatched a plot to sell caviar on the black market. This is a big  nyet-nyet in the Motherland. Anyway, these guys round up 365 pounds of caviar, but they have to have a cool place to store it. It just so happens that they have one already. The morgue! It’s a cool place and the people there won’t eat because they are dead.

Busted

The Russian authorities catch wind of the plot and quickly swoop in and nail these two idiots. And as you may have heard, Russian police are not very polite when they make a collar.They do things like beat the shit out of suspects. That is if the suspect is lucky. Unlucky suspects suffer other injuries like broken bones and severe lacerations. or death. In this case what a lucky break it would be if the suspects were beaten to death because they are already at the morgue! Talk about saving taxpayer money!

Caviar comes sturgeon. Sturgeon fishing is illegal where the suspects were supposedly catching the sturgeon. Another big nyet-nyet. Near the morgue the police found 47 sturgeon carcasses and were at all amused. I don’t know about you, but I get the feeling that our two dumbasses are in big trouble.

The Morgue as a Fridge

While a morgue makes a fine refrigerator, I don’t think they are intended to be used to store poached (no pun intended) caviar. I believe they are exclusively for the storage of dead people. Or vodka. But not caviar. I could, however, be mistaken. This is Russia we are talking about. They do some weird shit over there.

Another thing I don’t understand is why anyone would want to eat fish eggs. Why not alligator eggs or turtle eggs? I wouldn’t eat them either, but geez, fish eggs? From a protected fish at that! I guess I don’t understand because I am a dumbass.

But at least I didn’t illegally take fish eggs, that resemble rabbit shit, from a protected species that looks like a catfish that has been exposed to nuclear radiation like these guys did. And store them in a room full of dead bodies. And cheap vodka.

Dumbasses.