Category: Wal Mart

Dining in the Wal Mart Toilet

Best of Dumbass News

No Food or Drink Beyond This Point
As summertime comes to its inevitable close, time for outdoor activities such as fishing, camping and nude sunbathing is also quickly fading away for another year. However(!), there is one thing that does not depend on the weather in order to be enjoyed – picnics. But, Toby, you say, how can you logically expect to enjoy a picnic when the cool weather of fall turns into the annual deep freeze of winter? Thanks to a dumbass in Florida, I have the perfect answer to that question. The WalMart bathroom!  Yes, fellow dumbasses, your neighborhood WalMart toilet provides you and your family the perfect setting to spend quality time together even during the harshest weather.

Alas, I must give credit where credit is due for this outstanding dumbass idea. The Picnic in the Pooper idea comes from a Florida dumbass named Taylor Dresia of Vero Beach. You see, Taylor was eating lunch in the bathroom of the local Wally World when a walMart employee discivered him, and obviously jealous that he wasn’t the one who originated this mental masterpiece, demanded that Taylor vacate the head and vamoos ASAP. The dumbass employee, in a jealous rage, said that Taylor was blocking the stall so other patrons could not use the facilities. Likely story! Ha! The reality of the situation is that the WalMart worker is too fucking stoopid to understand that Taylor has come up with a million dollar idea. Can you say snack bar in the bathroom lobby? No wonder the typical WalMart dumbass makes minimum wage. Dipshits.

I am, of course, just kidding here. What kind of dumbass wants to eat lunch in a bathroom??!! You might as well take a dump in the dining area of Taco Bell and scarf down a few bean burritos right next to the steaming pile of dookie. Taylor Dresia, you are a mental midget and a sick bastard who needs to be institutionalized – in Picnic Free Zone… and a padded cell.



A Handicapped Dumbass Week in Review!

Dumbass Smith & Wesson

It’s been quite an eventful week, even more eventful than “normal”, here at Dumbass News. I have already broken “the news” to my Facebook amigos, so I guess it’s time to let the cat out of the bag here. Due to some debilitating dumbass health reasons and old age, but mostly debilitating dumbass health reasons, I am now Officially Retired. My doctor told me that going back to work is not an option now, so at this point  all I have is you, my fellow dumbasses. <sniffle> Thanks for being there for me…assclowns. (I say that with love.) I have already reaped one of the rewards of being put out to pasture, and that is that little blue and white “handicapped” placard you hang off your rear view mirror in your car. Now I can park in one of those special handicapped spaces at those lunatic asylums like Sam’s Club and WalMart. This is where I extract my revenge for all the years of some dipshit zipping in front of me to get a parking spot close to the store. Vengeance is mine, bitches! With Christmas shopping season almost upon us, I am gonna keep a running total, by stamping a Dumbass Caricature  on the driver’s side door (like those old WWII fighter planes) of how many assholes I can piss off when I park in the Old Farts Spot while they aimlessly search the parking lot for a space somewhere in the same zip code as the store! bwahahahahahaha!!! I should get plenty of material for the blog at the same time. Christmas shopping dumbasses.

Soooooooo without further ado (whatever the hell that means), let’s take a look at this week’s Dumbass Highlights! We had another stellar week with stories from dumbasses that even surprise me. In case you missed ’em, here they are again:

  • Legal Nekkididity in San Francissy! Yes, friends, you can now visit the Bay Area and observe homos prancing about while they are nekkid as a jay bird. I know that’s always been on my bucket list. I was in SF one time, got off my plane and saw two Oriental homos driving one of those souped up golf cart baggage carrying things and they had tongues flyin’ around like electrons on a uranium atom. I puked. Then I went to the airport bar and got drunk…with my ex-wife! (that’s a Dunmbass News story in and of itself) I kid you not. Now you see why San Fran holds some very “special” memories for me. That was one of the best hurl sessions I’ve ever had – a real Hall of Famer.
  • Inmate Sues Prison Over Soy! This dumbass is in the joint until Michael Moore slims down to 185 pounds. That’s a long time. So he’s suing the Big House because they use soy in much of their food. He’s got a weak stomach or some shit. Pussy. If KI were him, soy would be the last thing on my mind while I was in prison, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Two words you felonious nimrod – bung hole. I’m just sayin’.
  • Too Much Cussin’ & Dumbass Newspaper Headlines My Mom says that I need to cut back on the “colorful metaphors” in my posts. I offer my counter point to that suggestion with some well thought out and reasoned bullshit arguments otherwise. My Mom called me after she read my reply and now I have to stand in the corner for 15 minutes a day for a week. Gee thanks, Mom. The other half of this post is the rock ’em, sock ’em world of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines! Excuse me, I still have 4 minutes left in my appointment with the corner.
  • Veterans Day; Not a Dumbass in the House: This is a rare bear here on the pages of Dumbass News. A serious post. In thanking the Armed Forces personnel who are now serving our country, I thought a quick look at how Veterans Day got started would be kinda cool. It is.

Thanks are in order for you, my kindred spirit of a dumbass, for making this probably the best week (visitor-wise) that the blog has ever had. I am as grateful as a dumbass could be. Now get to fuckin’ reading and be sure to invite your friends to come be in awe of the monumental brilliance that graces these pages. Don’t be shy…leave a comment. I know your keyboard doesn’t have a crayon font, so do your best.


Old Dumbass Greeter at Wal Mart Robs Wal Mart!

This is NOT George

I like Old People. Hell, I am almost an Old People myself. Old Farts have a lot to offer those around them. They didn’t get to be Old People by being stoopid. But sometimes when People get to be Old People they transform into Old Stoopid People. Take, for instance, George Plane, Jr. of Statesville, North Carolina. George was just a nice Old Man working as a greeter at the local WalMart when Satan took over his Soul. At this point George went from Nice Old Man to Nice Old Man Who Is Now a Dumbass Felon. Let me splain.

George was doing his duty as a WalMart greeter making shoppers feel welcomed when he left his post and went outside to his car. While there, George put on a disguise and went back into the store. He hauled ass (as much an 83 year old man can haul ass) to the Garden Department and pulled out a pistol! George pointed the gun at a Garden Department employee and demanded all the cash in the register. During this felonious assault, George the Old Dumbass Felon fired a shot into the air. A couple of things here. I’m thinking that a gun shot inside the WalMart might garner some attention. But that’s just me. Second, and more important, an 83 year old man in a disguise just might strike some people as odd. For God’s sake, did this Old Felonious Dumbass really think that nobody would recognize him? 83 year old dudes in some weird get up are not what you’d expect to see at the local WalMart store. I’m thinkin’ that George stood out like a guy in a white sheet and a pointed hat at an NAACP rally. I’m just sayin’. Dumbass.

George got the cash from the register, then used his walker to make a bee line for his car and make good his escape. But, George didn’t make it far when he was stopped by the cops for Driving While Not Able to See Over the Steering Wheel and armed robbery, but mostly armed robbery. Upon arresting George, one of the cops said (I am not making mthis up), “He appeared to be in good shape”. Except for the fact that he was eaten up with the dumbass!