Category: WalMart

Cam Hidden in JCPenney Ladies Room! By an Illegal Alien!

Public restrooms ain’t what they used to be. Hell, restrooms in general ain’t so hot these days.

Many years ago, Texaco used an advertising strategy that featured their always-clean johns. It was something the traveling public wanted, so Texaco gave it to ’em. When you are looking to buy a home, adequate “facilities” are near the top of the list of important features your new home must have. See where I am going with this?

These days, toilets in public places and businesses, even toilets in homes don’t always fall into a category that one might reasonably call sanitary or private. Port-o-potties? Don’t even get me going on those things. Dumbasses all over the country have taken to giving bath rooms a dirty name.

Remember the guy who did some doo doo diving in a portable toilet? There’s also the story of the shit for brains who ripped a toilet seat from its mounts and set out to murder another guy! Even the loo in the largest retailer in the world, WalMart, is not immune from dumbassery. What about when you go into the can to poop and there ain’t no toilet paper? That happened to a guy at a Motel 6 and he went on a destructive rampage!

Another Toilet Horror Story 

At a JCPenney store in West Palm Beach, Florida, the Loss Prevention Officer at the West Palm Beach Store noticed the ceiling fan in the [ladies]bathroom was dislodged just after 9 a.m, Monday and a closer examination revealed a cellphone aimed toward the bathroom’s toilets was recording video!

Naturally the cops were notified and responded to the call.

When the cops got to JCPenney, the Loss Prevention Chick told them that she had a suspect in mind with regards to this incident. After a great deal of intensive detective-ing, the cops came up with a brilliant idea – go to the Personnel Department and review the suspect’s job application for some information that might help nab the bastard. Guess what they found on the job app? Yes! A cell phone number! They called it. The cell phone in the ladies’ room rang! Busted!

No El Got-o El Green Card-o

Further investigation revealed that the owner of the cell phone, Rafael Dieguez, was not Rafael Dieguez at all! He was actually Rafael’s brother, Marco Bartolon-Velasquez! But wait, there’s more! Marco Bartolon-Velasquez is…wait…for…it…an illegal alien!

Bartolon-Velasquez, who has been in the United States illegally for four years, said he was using his brother’s name for “employment purposes” and was using the cell phone cam to ensure that his fellow employees were doing their jobs properly. Har har.

Hold on, this gets even better.

The vato admitted to have been filming activity in the ladies’ room since last Christmas! He also stated to the police that he had never recorded anything in the mens’ room. I’ll bet.<—dripping with sarcasm

The pendejo was arrested and is awaiting trial… and prison bitchery.

No driver’s license for him!

Dumbass News Toilet Safety PSA 

As we plow into the Christmas shopping season at breakneck speed, keep this story (and the stories at the links) in mind the next time you gotta take a whiz in the toilet of a fine retail merchant near you.

You never know what’s going on behind those doors.

Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!

Happy shopping!

Dumbass.

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Dining in the Wal Mart Toilet

Best of Dumbass News

No Food or Drink Beyond This Point
As summertime comes to its inevitable close, time for outdoor activities such as fishing, camping and nude sunbathing is also quickly fading away for another year. However(!), there is one thing that does not depend on the weather in order to be enjoyed – picnics. But, Toby, you say, how can you logically expect to enjoy a picnic when the cool weather of fall turns into the annual deep freeze of winter? Thanks to a dumbass in Florida, I have the perfect answer to that question. The WalMart bathroom!  Yes, fellow dumbasses, your neighborhood WalMart toilet provides you and your family the perfect setting to spend quality time together even during the harshest weather.

Alas, I must give credit where credit is due for this outstanding dumbass idea. The Picnic in the Pooper idea comes from a Florida dumbass named Taylor Dresia of Vero Beach. You see, Taylor was eating lunch in the bathroom of the local Wally World when a walMart employee discivered him, and obviously jealous that he wasn’t the one who originated this mental masterpiece, demanded that Taylor vacate the head and vamoos ASAP. The dumbass employee, in a jealous rage, said that Taylor was blocking the stall so other patrons could not use the facilities. Likely story! Ha! The reality of the situation is that the WalMart worker is too fucking stoopid to understand that Taylor has come up with a million dollar idea. Can you say snack bar in the bathroom lobby? No wonder the typical WalMart dumbass makes minimum wage. Dipshits.

I am, of course, just kidding here. What kind of dumbass wants to eat lunch in a bathroom??!! You might as well take a dump in the dining area of Taco Bell and scarf down a few bean burritos right next to the steaming pile of dookie. Taylor Dresia, you are a mental midget and a sick bastard who needs to be institutionalized – in Picnic Free Zone… and a padded cell.

Dumbass.

Smoking Meth at WalMart – After Being Busted for Shoplifting!

Sparky’s Meth Lab?

How does that old saying (and remember, I’m big on sayings!) go? To whom much is given, much is expected? Right? Yeah, that’s the one. I was given much and of me much is expected.

I must have had the right number for a big load of “Dumbass” while I was standing in line to be born, because when I got to the front of the line I got a Mack truck full of it. It was this Fluke of Nature that pre-ordained me to be the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Everything happens for a reason. That’s another great saying. Damn, I love those sayings.

Low Prices…..and Meth, Every Day

Over time, I have written some crazy stories about the comings and goings at Wal Mart. I went back through the Dumbass News archives looking for such tales and three popped up right away.

First, there’s the emotional story of a pregnant lady who went into labor while at the local Wally World – while shoplifting! Truly a magical moment.

Then came an anecdote of a dedicated Wal Mart employee who loved his job as a greeter so much that he finished his shift one night and came back a little while later only to rob the store! I guess his 401K was a little anemic.

Our third allegory involves a hungry person. A person so hungry that he felt compelled to have a picnic at Wal Mart. In the Ladies rest room! S.O.S., anyone? S.O.S. meaninmg Shit On Shingles. Hey, the buffet was ready made. I’m just sayin’.

As stoopid as these stories are, none of them comes close to the latest episode of As Wal Mart Turns for Dumbassery and dumbfuckery.

This is where the “meth” part comes in.

Speedy Check Out

They have a nice Wal Mart in south St. Louis County, Missouri. Just ask our unidentified Dumbass who was recently burned there. And when I say “burned”, I mean “burned”.

Our Dumbass, a lady for clarification’s sake we’ll call “Sparky”, was having a grand old time searching for the latest bargains at Wal Mart when she saw a few items she just couldn’t live without, so she picked them up. She picked them but didn’t pay for them. In south St. Louis County, like all other jurisdictions in the United States, this is what’s known as “shoplifting”. And depending on the retail value of the pilfered loot, could also be known as what is called a “felony”.

But being nabbed while committing a possible felony with the prospects of spending a few years in the State Pen wasn’t enough for Sparky. Upon being remanded to the holding area, the store “jail”, Sparky took things to a level seldom achieved by Dumbasses anywhere. Ever.


While in the custody of store security people, Sparky pulled out a 20 oz. soda bottle from her purse as if to take a swig of the soft drink. Except she didn’t take a sip, she took a drag. A drag of methamphetamine! The 20 oz. soda bottle had been turned into a portable meth lab! Now, I am not sure how one refashions an empty pop bottle into a toteable speed pipe, but what an ingenious idea! I have (cough cough) “heard” of people who turn a beer can into a pot smoking device, but I have never known that a plastic soda bottle could be transformed into a meth lab. This is a perfect example of the K.I.S.S. Theory – Keep It Simple Stoopid. Brilliant in its simplicity. Illegal as hell, but still brilliant. Even the Dumbass we discovered with the meth lab in his Fruit of the Looms is a piker when compared to Sparky.

Sadly, for her, Sparky is headed for the Big House and will, like other Dumbass Bitches before her, settle into her role as a “woman behind bars”, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

We can now look forward to more of Sparky’s handiwork when she is finally released from prison in 10 to 17 years. I understand she plans on crafting a douchebag made from a Bic Pen and a rubber pillow case.

Her children must be so proud.

Dumbass.

Picnic in the WalMart Toilet!

Picnic Area

As summertime comes to its inevitable close, time for outdoor activities such as fishing, camping and nude sunbathing is also quickly fading away for another year. However(!), there is one thing that does not depend on the weather in order to be enjoyed – picnics. But, Toby, you say, how can you logically expect to enjoy a picnic when the cool weather of fall turns into the annual deep freeze of winter? Thanks to a dumbass in Florida, I have the perfect answer to that question. The WalMart bathroom!  Yes, fellow dumbasses, your neighborhood WalMart toilet provides you and your family the perfect setting to spend quality time together even during the harshest weather.

Alas, I must give credit where credit is due for this outstanding dumbass idea. The Picnic in the Pooper idea comes from a Florida dumbass named Taylor Dresia of Vero Beach. You see, Taylor was eating lunch in the bathroom of the local Wally World when a walMart employee discivered him, and obviously jealous that he wasn’t the one who originated this mental masterpiece, demanded that Taylor vacate the head and vamoos ASAP. The dumbass employee, in a jealous rage, said that Taylor was blocking the stall so other patrons could not use the facilities. Likely story! Ha! The reality of the situation is that the WalMart worker is too fucking stoopid to understand that Taylor has come up with a million dollar idea. Can you say snack bar in the bathroom lobby? No wonder the typical WalMart dumbass makes minimum wage. Dipshits.

I am, of course, just kidding here. What kind of dumbass wants to eat lunch in a bathroom??!! You might as well take a dump in the dining area of Taco Bell and scarf down a few bean burritos right next to the steaming pile of dookie. Taylor Dresia, you are a mental midget and a sick bastard who needs to be institutionalized – in Picnic Free Zone… and a padded cell.

Dumbass.

Old WalMart Greeter Dumbass Robs the WalMart He Works At!

This Is NOT George

I like Old People. Hell, I am almost an Old People myself. Old Farts have a lot to offer those around them. They didn’t get to be Old People by being stoopid. But sometimes when People get to be Old People they transform into Old Stoopid People. Take, for instance, George Plane, Jr. of Statesville, North Carolina. George was just a nice Old Man working as a greeter at the local WalMart when Satan took over his Soul. At this point George went from Nice Old Man to Nice Old Man Who Is Now a Dumbass Felon. Let me splain.

George was doing his duty as a WalMart greeter making shoppers feel welcomed when he left his post and went outside to his car. While there, George put on a disguise and went back into the store. He hauled ass (as much an 83 year old man can haul ass) to the Garden Department and pulled out a pistol! George pointed the gun at a Garden Department employee and demanded all the cash in the register. During this felonious assault, George the Old Dumbass Felon fired a shot into the air. A couple of things here. I’m thinking that a gun shot inside the WalMart might garner some attention. But that’s just me. Second, and more important, an 83 year old man in a disguise just might strike some people as odd. For God’s sake, did this Old Felonious Dumbass really think that nobody would recognize him? 83 year old dudes in some weird get up are not what you’d expect to see at the local WalMart store. I’m thinkin’ that George stood out like a guy in a white sheet and a pointed hat at an NAACP rally. I’m just sayin’. Dumbass.

George got the cash from the register, then used his walker to make a bee line for his car and make good his escape. But, George didn’t make it far when he was stopped by the cops for Driving While Not Able to See Over the Steering Wheel and armed robbery, but mostly armed robbery. Upon arresting George, one of the cops said (I am not making mthis up), “He appeared to be in good shape”. Except for the fact that he was eaten up with the dumbass!

Now days George works as a Death Row Greeter, (“Welcome to Death Row…”) at the North Carolina Prison for the Criminally Dumbass.

Dumbass.

Special Delivery at WalMart

My cousin by marriage, Ashley, gave birth to my newest fishin’ buddy, Cooper, a couple of days ago. In honor of motherhood, I have a Dumbass News story about a doting mother-to-be that will bring a tear to your eye and a jail sentence to the mother-to-be. A real tearjerker.

We have all heard stories about pregnant women going into labor in odd places – elevators, taxi cabs, restaurants, etc. Today’s inspirational tale of motherhood-to-be involves a woman going into labor at WalMart – while committing a crime! A true dumbass. Now if doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, I don’t know what will. Katurah Petty is the pregnant dumbass in question. You see, Katurah and her sister Shaneel, were recently doing their Christmas shoplifting early this year at a WalMart in Ohio, which just happens to lead the nation in pregnant dumbasses committing felonies while going into labor. Anyway, the two dumbass sisters were using fake UPC codes to purchase $271 worth of computer software at their local WalMart.when they were busted. Katurah the pregnant dumbass, now felon, goes into labor when the cops arrested her. Being the conscientious public servants they are, the police took her to hospital where she gave birth to a future felon.

Two things: Thing Number Uno – does the pregnant dumbass not understand that WalMart has more security cameras than the Pentagon? Thing Number Dos – get a fucking American name! What the fuck kind of name is Katurah? That sounds like something the dog does on your lawn that you step in while playing with your kids. Good American crooks have names like Bugsy or Lefty or Guido. Katurah? Not so much. There is a possibility that there could be a run on the name “Katurah”, which means pregnant dumbass in French, by “Katurahs” around the world! Especially in France, where pregnant dumbasses abound. Her sister-in-crime is named “Shaneel”. That’s a name I can accept as American because it sounds like “Shaquille” as in “O’neal”. And trust me, one look at this mugshot, and you’ll agree that she looks a lot like Shaq, therefore she’s has an American name. And she’s not pregnant. Neither is Shaq, I’m told. Also, Shaq doesn’t shop at WalMart…he buys Walmarts.