Category: War on Terror

MLK & I : A Man of God & a Dumbass PLUS: Penis Cancer to End War on Terror!

Today we celebrate the birth of a great American – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Dr. King was the most preeminent and influential  civil rights leader in the history of the United States, preaching non-violence and civil disobedience to help achieve his goal of “black children playing with white children”.

In Augusta, 1963, one month shy of my 7th birthday, Martin Luther King, Jr. gave one of the most famous, important and stirring speeches in the history of the world, not just this country. His words ring as true today as they did on that sweltering summer night in Washington, DC almost 50 years ago.

If it has been a while since you’ve heard the “I Have a Dream” speech from Dr. King, please take the less than eighteen minutes it runs to remember the reason we honor this man of humble beginnings as one of the most important men in the history of the United States.

                                                            The Dream Lives

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr…even though he was killed on April 4, 1968, he’s still making dumbasses out of bigots everywhere through his message of racial equality for all Americans.

I Ain’t as Nice as Dr. King 

While I am very in tune with Dr. King and his vision of equality for all citizens of the US, I am not nearly so tolerant of other kinds of bigots, like, let’s say, um Moose Limb terrorists. I’m not certain how the Good Doctor would suggest that we deal with these lovers of goats and mules, but I am quite sure that Dr. King wouldn’t recommend The Dumbass Way of Sending Terrorists to Their 72 Virgins, which on the other hand I heartily endorse. I suppose that two great men of vision such as MLK and I are bound to disagree when it comes to turning another human bean into a pile of smoldering internal organs. He would undoubtedly say ‘no”, I say, “Blow the goat fuckers to Kingdom Come and let the Almighty sort ’em out.” but, that’s just how I roll.

My Idea to End the War on Terror – Penis Cancer!

Repost from 12/4/11

A recent story published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has inadvertently given us the weapon we need to effectively end the war on terror! We, the USA, have spent hundreds of billions of dollars on weapons systems so technologically advanced that we were blinded by the obvious. Animals. Yes, those animals. Let me splain.

The Splainin’ Part

The JSM released the results of recent study that concluded that men who have sex with animals (yes, those animals) are twice as likely as men who don’t boff our furry friends to get penis cancer. Until I read this article, I had never heard of cancer of the weenie. Gazebo cancer, sure, but never cancer of Mr. Willy. The Huffington Post ran the story in more detail, but I don’t care about that shit. But I will pull a couple of quotes from it in a bit. First, as you can imagine, I have some questions about this study. Who the hell would even think of doing such a study? Some dumbass Brazilian doctor that’s who. Brazilians are sick bastards sure, but a study about slippin’ the sausage to cocker spaniels? That’s just fucking wrong. In order to conduct this study, Dr. Zequi (the Head Man Fucking Animal Observer) needed funding from somewhere. But from where? Private donations? Taxpayers? Gubmint grants? can and bottle deposits? Inquiring dumbasses want to know dammit! Now to the perhaps the most obvious and important question regarding screwing beasts of burden. Actually, it’s a two parted entreaty. Part 1: What in the name of all that is Holy would give somebody the idea to study men critter-boinking aardvarks? Was Dr. Z sound asleep one night and suddenly leap out of bed and shout, “Eureka! For my next project I am going to do a study on human-animal sex and the possibility that it could cause cancer of the schlong!” 
Part 2: Where did the good doctor find volunteers for this idiocy? San Francisco? Prison? The Home for the Criminally Insane? PETA? It couldn’t have been an easy task to find men willing to go through with it. Except in San Francisco.

Concerned citizens were very active in giving advice to animal pokin’ men. Take, for instance, a HuffPo reader that is all about mad monkey sex…literally. Here’s a portion of his email to HuffnPuff  “A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals. She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. “They might become more cautious,” said Sallie Graves, “but they wouldn’t change their nature.” That’s your typical PuffHo patron right there, folks. I would throw caution into the wind and bet a dollar to a donut that this particular emailer will not be voting Republican in the next presidential election. I have a real good joke to insert here but it’s pretty out there, so I’ll just give you a hint about it instead. Zoophilia, Obama, the First Wookie. I’m just sayin’.

War on Terror

I started this post off with a deal to end the war on terror. I have expertly lead you this far to get the answer with my unassailable logic and reasoning and because you are dumbass enough to read this far. Anyway…Through anecdotal evidence, we have learned that terrorists are very “friendly” with their farm animals. I have actually seen a video from an American fighter jet on a sortee to bomb the shit out of the bad guys one night and through their FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared Radar) camera they caught a bad guy getting penis cancer from a donkey! If you know what I mean and I think you do. So the end of the War on Terror would come about in no time if we just dropped millions of packets of Viagra to the Splodey Dopes. They take the tool hardener and all of the sudden old Bessie the milk cow is lookin’ pretty. Damn. Good. A romantic evening ensues, the dirty deed is dine and the dumbass bad guy has dick cancer! Soon, his willie will fall off, he’ll die a slow, painful, miserable death and Satan will welcome him to his 72 raisins virgins. Is that a brilliant plan or what?

There is one slight problem with my plan to win the War on Terror, however. A survey of horny Iranian men concluded that out of every ten, only two preferred women. Camels beware!

Dumbasses.

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Sending Al Qaeda to Their 72 Virgins, Dumbass Style

Terrorist Centerfold

It’s Sunday and NFL Time, so I think in honor of torn ACLs and concussions that we’d re-post a story about ridding the World of douchebag terrorists. Here’s my plan:

A recent story published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has inadvertently given us the weapon we need to effectively end the war on terror! We, the USA, have spent hundreds of billions of dollars on weapons systems so technologically advanced that we were blinded by the obvious. Animals. Yes, those animals. Let me splain.

The Splainin’ Part

The JSM released the results of recent study that concluded that men who have sex with animals (yes, those animals) are twice as likely as men who don’t boff our furry friends to get penis cancer. Until I read this article, I had never heard of cancer of the weenie. Gazebo cancer, sure, but never cancer of Mr. Willy. The Huffington Post ran the story in more detail, but I don’t care about that shit. But I will pull a couple of quotes from it in a bit. First, as you can imagine, I have some questions about this study. Who the hell would even think of doing such a study? Some dumbass Brazilian doctor that’s who. Brazilians are sick bastards sure, but a study about slippin’ the sausage to cocker spaniels? That’s just fucking wrong. In order to conduct this study, Dr. Zequi (the Head Man Fucking Animal Observer) needed funding from somewhere. But from where? Private donations? Taxpayers? Gubmint grants? can and bottle deposits? Inquiring dumbasses want to know dammit! Now to the perhaps the most obvious and important question regarding screwing beasts of burden. Actually, it’s a two parted entreaty. Part 1: What in the name of all that is Holy would give somebody the idea to study men critter-boinking aardvarks? Was Dr. Z sound asleep one night and suddenly leap out of bed and shout, “Eureka! For my next project I am going to do a study on human-animal sex and the possibility that it could cause cancer of the schlong!” 
Part 2: Where did the good doctor find volunteers for this idiocy? San Francisco? Prison? The Home for the Criminally Insane? PETA? It couldn’t have been an easy task to find men willing to go through with it. Except in San Francisco.

Concerned citizens were very active in giving advice to animal pokin’ men. Take, for instance, a HuffPo reader that is all about mad monkey sex…literally. Here’s a portion of his email to HuffnPuff  “A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals. She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. “They might become more cautious,” said Sallie Graves, “but they wouldn’t change their nature.” That’s your typical PuffHo patron right there, folks. I would throw caution into the wind and bet a dollar to a donut that this particular emailer will not be voting Republican in the next presidential election. I have a real good joke to insert here but it’s pretty out there, so I’ll just give you a hint about it instead. Zoophilia, Obama, the First Wookie. I’m just sayin’.

War on Terror

I started this post off with a deal to end the war on terror. I have expertly lead you this far to get the answer with my unassailable logic and reasoning and because you are dumbass enough to read this far. Anyway…Through anecdotal evidence, we have learned that terrorists are very “friendly” with their farm animals. I have actually seen a video from an American fighter jet on a sortee to bomb the shit out of the bad guys one night and through their FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared Radar) camera they caught a bad guy getting penis cancer from a donkey! If you know what I mean and I think you do. So the end of the War on Terror would come about in no time if we just dropped millions of packets of Viagra to the Splodey Dopes. They take the tool hardener and all of the sudden old Bessie the milk cow is lookin’ pretty. Damn. Good. A romantic evening ensues, the dirty deed is dine and the dumbass bad guy has dick cancer! Soon, his willie will fall off, he’ll die a slow, painful, miserable death and Satan will welcome him to his 72 raisins virgins. Is that a brilliant plan or what?

There is one slight problem with my plan to win the War on Terror, however. A survey of horny Iranian men concluded that out of every ten, only two preferred women. Camels beware!

Dumbasses.

The Three Ds: Dumbass, Disabled and Donate

You Can NEVER Un-see This

Where the hell has 2011 gone? This is the last weekend before Thanksgiving already. Damn. That means it’s about time to start thinking about the Dumbass of the Year for Dos Mil y Once. A little Meskin lingo there. Who says that dumbasses can’t be “cultured”? Don’t answer that question!

As a matter of fact, I just happen to have a few examples of Dumbass Culture right here! See the shit works out right. It has been a wacked out week not only for Dumbass News, but for your cute and cuddly Head Dumbass as well. I learned a few days ago that I am no longer able to be a productive member of society. As if I ever was a productive member of society. Ha! My doctor is a dumbass. He thought by telling me that I am medically unable to work anymore that I would no longer be a blight on civilization. Did I fool him or what? As long as I can type I will continue to be a Blight of the Highest Order on Civilization! bwahahahahahaha!! Boy, did I ever fool him.

Proof

To prove my point, I have gone back through the Dumbass News archives and come up with written proof that I am as big a pain in the ass to “polite society” (whatever the hell that is) as I have ever been! 

Serious Societal Blight  

  • Earlier this week, I came up with an ingenious Plan to End the War on Terror. Let me Warn You that this post is extremely crude and juvenile, as always, but even moreso than your “normal” crude and juvenile. It is NSFW or Kids! Heed those words or try to wiggle your way out of explaining to your six year old why terrorists like to have “relations” with donkeys. I’m just sayin’.
  • Man Has No Toilet Paper… Talk about a chapped ass. This dumbass has no TP in his motel room and he proceeds to go absolutely batshit crazy, doing over $2000 damage to the room. I wonder what he would’ve done if the motel staff forgot to put a little mint on his pillow. I shiver at the thought.
  • USF-Polytechnic This is a touching story of how university officials waste thousands of dollars on Star Wars statues instead of some more worthy academic venture – like free porn for all the fraternities on campus. Just imagine all the poor deprived biology majors who will be affected by this travesty! 

That’s what the week was like here at the Dumbass Dome. It could have been worse, but it could have been better if some of you dumbasses would hit the “Donate” button at the top of the right sidebar.  Do it for the students at USFP1 Do it for the guy who needs some toilet paper! But most of all, do it for your friendly disabled neighborhood blogging dumbass. My Mama will thank you for it.  🙂

Dumbasses.