Have you ever had trouble removing a ring from your finger?
I have learned over the years that when I do a lot of strenuous work that involves using my hands for an extended period of time, like gardening, my fingers swell up just enough that taking off a ring ain’t as easy as it should be.
I have used several methods of stuck ring removal with varying degrees of success – cold water, soap, butter and others that escape me at the moment.
A Dumbass in Bradford, Pennsylvania has come up with a ring removal idea that is sure to take the Dumbass Horde by storm!
Let me splain.
Wedding Ring Blues
For some damn reason, known only to himself, Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III (is that an Eye-talian name or what?) wanted his wedding ring off his finger, and he wanted it off there bad.
I’m not sure whether or not Alfredo used any cold water, soap or butter in order to get his wedding ring off his finger, but he was persistent in his quest to be ringless. After considerable deliberation, Alfredo finally found a solution to his dilemma!
Grab a hand gun and shoot the wedding ring off his finger!
Now, to the uninitiated, this may seem to be a bit extreme. And that’s because it is, you Dumbass! Who in his right fucking mind would use a firearm to remove a wedding ring from his finger?! Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III, that’s who!
Seriously, Big Al corralled a pistol, carefully took aim at his wedding band and BANG! Problem solved. Sort of.
Alfredo managed to blast his ring finger into oblivion, but there was a slight hitch in his plan. He blew his digit off, but the ring remained on the stump where a moment ago there was a perfectly good ring finger.
I guess it is necessary to the plot to inform you that during this whole deal Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III was, according to police officers who answered the call about a Dumbass shooting off his finger, extremely intoxicated. Ya think?
There’s one more little twist to this story. Alfredo is employed as a prison guard!
Malespini has been charged with a bunch of gun-related shit and could end up sharing a cell with some of the very people he was paid to supervise. Can you say “prison bitch“? I have a sneaky feeling that if Alfredo ends up in the Slammer, the boys in Cell Block D will invent new ways to play “Hide the Sausage” with him.
Suggestions for Alfredo
- For any future wedding ring removal, try cold water, soap or butter.
- Don’t wear a ring.
- Don’t stay married so you won’t be obliged to wear a wedding ring.
- Lay off The Sauce.
- Next time, aim lower. Your nut sack would be a good place to start.
- Have fun in Cell Block D.
- And here’s the obligatory “don’t drop the soap” warning.
Today’s post is more of a civic duty and/or Public Service Announcement than a dumbass “news” feature. I couldn’t live with myself if I failed to bring it to your attention. That’s just how I roll.
Cicero, Illinois is where our story takes place. Cicero is a town of about 6000 just outside Chicago. Like every city or town in the USA, Cicero has its problems with crime. Take Wilfredo Gonzales, for instance. Please!
Wilfredo is a local repairman who was doing some remodeling for a Cicero couple. All was going well until Wilfredo asked to use the bathroom. He went to the can and then the lady homeowner went into the bathroom and noticed her diamond ring was missing. A valuable diamond ring in the bathroom? With a stranger in the house even? That’s dumbass in and of itself, but it’s also another story for another day. Anyway, The lady notices that the ring is missing and goes to tell her husband about it. The husband confronts Wilfredo who says “No speaky da English.” Actually, Wilfredo denied stealing the ring. and eventually got into a scuffle with the husband. As the husband and Willie were wrestling around, Willie pulls the ring out of his pocket and swallows it! Willie is a pendejo (Spanish for “dumbass”). Thinking by swallowing the ring that he can get away with felony theft, Wilfredo forgot one very important function of the human body – this too shall pass. He also forgot one more very important word from medical community – X- ray. X-rays indeed showed that Wilfredo had eaten the ring.
This line appeared in the UPI article: “Cicero police recovered the ring — but didn’t say how they did it, the Tribune reported.” The Tribune is loaded with dumbasses so this makes perfect sense. The law or the hospital fed ole Willie Boy some fiber and that diamond ring probably felt like a a ball of dull razor blades going through his poop chute. bwahahahaha Willie, next time try the “No speaky da English” bit. It’s more beliveable.
|Eater of Engagement Rings|
The Dumbass of the Day Award goes to a guy who was doing a wonderful thing, a life-changing thing, when he went from being a hopeless romantic into a dumbass in a matter of a couple of seconds.
John Iverson The Dumbass Who Shall Remain Nameless had a grand plan to propose to his girlfriend in Downtown Denver. All was going smotthly until “it” happened. Down on one knee, John Iverson The Dumbass Who Shall Remain Nameles, reached into his pocket to grab an engagement ring when he dropped it – down a sewer grate in the street! Dumbass. It gets better. The engagement ring was a family heirloom passed down the bride-to-be from her Mother! Do I hear a “dumbass” from the choir? Dumbass. I don’t know if I am the only one who thinks this way, but is this an omen of some kind that this would-be marriage is doomed before the loving couple even gets to the alter? Down the shitter as it were. Naaaaah.
The Denver Fire Department came to the rescue and retrieved the engagement from the sewer and the proposal went on, turds and all. OK, I made the “turds and all” stuff up, but the DFD did locate the ring after about 45 minutes of searching and handed the potential groom the ring plus several cigarette butts and a green turd that didn’t make it to the punchbowl. I made that part up too. There were no green turds or cig butts, but they did find the ring.
At this point, there a few questions I have. Did
John Iverson the Dumbass Who Shall Remain Nameless immediately put the ring on his beloved’s hand? Did she accept the proposal? Was the Dumbass Who Shall Remain Nameless drunk when he proposed? Did the Dumbass Who Shall Remain Nameless start a trend where grooms-to-be all over the country can get blasted , take their girlfriend to a sewer grate near them and “accidently” drop the ring into the sewer? These are just a few questions that demand answers from almost-engaged couples from every nook and cranny of our great country.
I am happy to report that the bride-to-be accepted the proposal and soon two dumbasses will be one. And I’m sure that they’ll produce enough little dumbassses that will keep these pages full of stories just like this one for generations to come. Lord help us all.