Category: Wedding

Canadian Dumbass Gets Drunk Then Arrested, Misses Own Wedding Cuz He’s in the Slammer

Best of Dumbass News

I get a big kick out of our Canadians friends when one of them pulls a stunt that’s dumbass-worthy. In Canada, that’s quite a feat because those hosers know how to do two things extremely well – drink and smoke pot. I don’t say that in a negative way, a few years ago I would’ve fit right in with them. Besides, I don’t have a passport and I’d need one to get across the border. Once I get a passport, I’d feel compelled do some serious “research” into the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. It’s a tough job, but etc, etc, etc. I wonder if I could write it off as a business expense? I’d be drunk/baked blogging about my “research”. “Research” like this could take two, three, maybe 5 years of unending drinking and smoking pot to come to an indisputable conclusion regarding the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. But, that’s a risk Id be willing to take as long as it benefited the “scientific” community.

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. Until recently, Jonathan Atkinson was just an ordinary drunk and stoned dumbass Canadian. But, my main man Jon ratcheted up the dumbass to new, never-before-seen levels, even for a Canadian dumbass. On December 30, Jon got plastered and did the right thing and called a taxi to take him home.

Canadian Pacifier

Then, he fell asleep in the cab.

The cops were called, Jonathon  was arrested and the streets of Point Edward, Ontario were safe from one more drunk/stoned Canadian. This offense is an everyday Canadian dumbass occurrence so it’s not really worth getting worked up over. You’ll be happy to know that Jon was not about to let his fellow drunk/stoned Canadian mates down. Not only was Jon Boy put in the slammer 60 days, he missed his own wedding due to his incarceration!

 Jonny, dumbasses everywhere salute you for sticking to your drunk/stoned Canadian principles and missing out of what could have been the worst mistake of your life! No, dumbass, not for getting a 60 day jail term, but for getting a 60 day jail term and missing your own wedding!  Fuckin’ A genius! I never missed one of my weddings by getting drunk/stoned and arrested. I had to get hammered to just show up at the wedding! Now that I think about it, I don’t know who’s the bigger dumbass, me or Jon. Him for missing his wedding or me for showing up to mine. Now, I’m depressed. I don’t drink, but I need a beer.

Dumbass.

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A Saved Penis and $63,000

This was originally posted on May 21, 2011. It’s still damn funny and quite educational.

 
Marriage is a Sacrament  that bonds a man and a woman together forever, in body and in spirit, a union that is Holy as ordained by God. Getting to the alter sometimes proves, shall we say, to be problematic. Especially if the dumbass groom has a bachelor party and he bumps uglies with a woman he met there. It’s even worse when the bride-to-be finds out about the groom-to-be’s “indiscretion”. And to make matters even worse, if that’s possible at this point, the jilted woman is an attorney. Complicating things even more is the fact that the dumbass groom-to-be is a lawyer, too!

The Mrs. Dumbass-to-be was scorned and hell hath no fury and all that. It goes without saying that Mrs. Almost a Dumbass called off the wedding because the groom couldn’t keep his thang in his pants. Now the spurned bride has filed a lawsuit against the dumbass groom to the tune of 63 Large. From the UPI story we find out, “The suit, which alleges breach of the promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress, is seeking reimbursement totaling $62,814 for expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaid’s dresses, wedding invitations, a band reservation and non-refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations for a honeymoon in Bora Bora.” What the hell was this dumbass thinking? Bumping uglies with some chick at your bachelor party is about as dumbass as a groom-to-be can get. It also tends to piss off the bride. And that ain’t good. Especially when she’s a lawyer. By the way, the boinkee in this saga said she had no idea that the dumbass was involved with anyone. I guess the fact that it was a bachelor party and that there was a wedding coming up was a little above this broad’s head. Dumbass.

I have absolutely no sympathy for the dumbass groom. He’s an idjit. Dude, if you’re gonna nail some broad at your own bachelor party, make sure she’s a stripper or something, and the boinking is cheap and superficial at best. However, the sure fire way to avoid a situation like this is to keep your penis in your pants! The penis, and $63,000 you save may be your own. 

 
Dumbass.

The $63,000 Boinking!

The Groom is a Dawg (and a dumbass)

Marriage is a Sacrament  that bonds a man and a woman together forever, in body and in spirit, a union that is Holy as ordained by God. Getting to the alter sometimes proves, shall we say, to be problematic. Especially if the dumbass groom has a bachelor party and he bumps uglies with a woman he met there. It’s even worse when the bride-to-be finds out about the groom-to-be’s “indiscretion”. And to make matters even worse, if that’s possible at this point, the jilted woman is an attorney. Complicating things even more is the fact that the dumbass groom-to-be is a lawyer, too!

The Mrs. Dumbass-to-be was scorned and hell hath no fury and all that. It goes without saying that Mrs. Almost a Dumbass called off the wedding because the groom couldn’t keep his thang in his pants. Now the spurned bride has filed a lawsuit against the dumbass groom to the tune of 63 Large. From the UPI story we find out, “The suit, which alleges breach of the promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress, is seeking reimbursement totaling $62,814 for expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaid’s dresses, wedding invitations, a band reservation and non-refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations for a honeymoon in Bora Bora.” What the hell was this dumbass thinking? Bumping uglies with some chick at your bachelor party is about as dumbass as a groom-to-be can get. It also tends to piss off the bride. And that ain’t good. Especially when she’s a lawyer. By the way, the boinkee in this saga said she had no idea that the dumbass was involved with anyone. I guess the fact that it was a bachelor party and that there was a wedding coming up was a little above this broad’s head. Dumbass.

I have absolutely no sympathy for the dumbass groom. He’s an idjit. Dude, if you’re gonna nail some broad at your own bachelor party, make sure she’s a stripper or something, and the boinking is cheap and superficial at best. However, the sure fire way to avoid a situation like this is to keep your penis in your pants! The penis, and $63,000 you save may be your own. Dumbass.

Drunk Canadian Proves That I am a Dumbass

Canadian Barley Pop

I get a big kick out of our Canadians friends when one of them pulls a stunt that’s dumbass-worthy. In Canada, that’s quite a feat because those hosers know how to do two things extremely well – drink and smoke pot. I don’t say that in a negative way, a few years ago I would’ve fit right in with them. Besides, I don’t have a passport and I’d need one to get across the border. Once I get a passport, I’d feel compelled do some serious “research” into the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. It’s a tough job, but etc, etc, etc. I wonder if I could write it off as a business expense? I’d be drunk/baked blogging about my “research”. “Research” like this could take two, three, maybe 5 years of unending drinking and smoking pot to come to a indisputable conclusion regarding the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. But, that’s a risk Id be willing to take as long as it benefited the “scientific” community.

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. Until recently, Joshua Atkinson was just an ordinary drunk and stoned dumbass Canadian. But, my main man Jon ratcheted up the dumbass to new, never-before-seen levels, even for a Canadian dumbass. On December 30, Jon got plastered and did the right thing and called a taxi ti take him home. Then, he fell asleep in the cab because he was so lit. The cops were called, Jonathon  was arrested and the streets of Point Edward, Ontario were safe from one more drunk/stoned Canadian. This offense is an everyday Canadian dumbass occurrence so it’s not really worth getting worked up over. You’ll be happy to know that Jon was not about to let his fellow drunk/stoned Canadian mates down.  only was Jon Boy put in the slammer 60 days, he missed his own wedding due to his incarceration! Jonny, dumbasses everywhere salute you for sticking to your drunk/stoned Canadian principles and missing out of what could have been the worst mistake of your life! No, dumbass, not for getting a 60 day jail term, but for getting a 60 day jail term and missing your own wedding!  Fuckin’ A genius! I never missed one of my weddings by getting drunk/stoned and arrested. I had to get hammered to just show up at the wedding! Now that I think about it, I don’t know who’s the bigger dumbass, me or Jon. Him for missing his wedding or me for showing up to mine. Now, I’m depressed. I don’t drink, but I need a beer. Dumbass.

Monongahela River Consumes Man’s Gazebos!

Many a man has lost his gazebos in this river

Let’s play Pick the Dumbass! Pick the Dumbass has been voted the Internet’s Most Popular User Participation Game by dumbasses across the globe! The object of Pick the Dumbass is to read the story below, and decide which person in the story is the dumbass. Be careful though, there could be more than one dumbass in the story, but we are looking for the biggest dumbass in it. You also have the option of changing your dumbass pick at any time before I reveal the answer after the story. Ready to play? OK, heeeeeeere we go!

A couple, Judy and Adam, in Pittsburgh, PA recently exchanged their wedding vows while on a water taxi in the Monongahela River. That’s kind of cool, don’t you think? Speaking of cool, cool as in 37 degrees, the young couple then jumped into the 37 degree water of the Monongahela! This ceremony, diving included, was to symbolize taking the plunge together into the future. I’m no Sylvia Browne, so I’m not hip to seeing into the future, but I have a fairly solid grip on “now” and “now” tells me that we are dealing with two dumbasses here. No symbolism necessary. Our DumbassCicles took the dive as part of the Pittsburgh Polar Bear Club’s Annual Freeze Your Gazebos Off Day By Jumping Into 37 Degree River Water Festival. I just hope the groom has Gazebo Insurance because after jumping into 37 degree water, the dude’s gazebos said AMF! (Adios Mother F*cker) I hope his new bride is OK with the thought of not having children, because her Old Man ain’t got a gazebo to call his own. Science tells me no gazebos, no procreation. What a dumbass. Did Mr. and Mrs. Ima Dumbass not even consider, oh, I don’t know, jumping into a hot tub(!) instead of the damn near frozen river? Then again, we are talking about Pittsburgh here. I mean these people root for the Steelers for God’s sake. If willingly getting married, jumping into an almost frozen river and rooting for the Steelers ain’t doublin’ down on the dumbass, I don’t know what is.

That’s our story for the day, ladies and gentlemen, and now it’s time to figure out who’s the biggest dumbass. Could it be Judy, the bride? After all, she did get married, but women like all that married stuf, so Judy isn’t the dumbass of the story, even though she jumped into a freezer of a river. That brings us to Adam, what I said about Judy also applies to Adam. He, too, got married and jumped into the Monongahela risking his gazebos on the way, but he’s not the biggest dumbass in the our tale today. OK, who’s left to be the dumbass then? Me? I agree, I am a dumbass for writing this crap, but I ain’t the biggest dumbass either. That leaves YOU because you read this tripe all the way through. Dumbass. And I say that with love.  🙂