Category: Weed

Lawyer Pulls Joint Out of Pocket, Drops It – In Court Room!

Best of Dumbass News
  
“The first thing we do, Let’s kill all the lawyers” – Dick the Butcher in Shakespeare’s Henry the Sixth. Before you all go accusing me of being a smarty pants, let me assure you that I am just as big a Dumbass as you are. I knew the quote, I simply “googled” to find the specifics.

I bring this up today because there’s an attorney in Nawlins (that’s New Orleans for all the Yoopers in the audience) that probably wishes he was dead about now. Why?

Let me tell you why.

It Fell From His Pocket

Jason Cantrell is an assistant city attorney for the City of New Orleans. He was in court the other day when something most unusual, even for a court of law, happened. He was “in conversations” in the court room when a cop saw something fall from Canrell’s shirt pocket. The cop, being the polite sort, reached down to pick the object up and guess what it was. A pen? Nope. A court document. Not this time. A joint? Yup. A doobie, a manually assembled relaxation device (MARD), a hooter, a marijuana cigarette dammit! This is a big no no even in The Big Easy.

WDSU.com picks up the story from there, City spokesperson Ryan Berni said Cantrell has been suspended without pay from his part-time position, pending further investigation. Cantrell was assigned to traffic court in his public capacity.
It is not uncommon for an assistant city attorney to work private cases in addition to their work for the city.
Cantrell ran unsuccessfully in 2009 for a seat on the Juvenille Court bench. He is the husband of current City Council District B candidate LaToya Cantrell.

Let me say here that, as is common with city lawyers, Cantrell was working as a private attorney when the joint-dropping took place. Still, this is not a good thing.Jason Cantrell
Questions Abound 
  • The obvious question is why? Why in the name of Cheech and Chong would a lawyer carry a joint on his person anyway? Keep the weed at home, bro.
  • Why not hide the stash in a suit coat pocket or a cigarette pack? Why some place where even the slightest possibility of something like this could happen?
  • Is Cantrell’s phone ringing off the hook from pot heads all over New Orleans calling his number (pun intended) 24/7?
  • Where did he get his pot? 
  • Was it any good?

This is beyond stoopid and borders on dumbfuckery. What am I talkin’ about? It is dumbfuckery.

Dumbass.
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Buying Pot Online, Shipping It Via USPS = Bad Idea

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Order Now!
I love the internet. I really do. If something can be done, it can be done on the world wide web, or the “3 Dub” as we international “3 Dub” blogging sensations call it.

Think about it, you look up the latest news, sports, weather, etc. You can locate long lost friends on sites like Facebook, do background checks on potential employees, do banking, buy pot…What? Yes, fellow Dumbasses, drug dealing runs amok on the internet. What in the name of the Patron Saint of the 3 Dub (Al Gore) is going on here?

Let me splain. puffpuffpasspass

Bluegrass State

High on the List of Cool Things to Do on the 3 Dub is gaming. Millions people from all over the Planet play games and make friends with others from far away places every day, even in Kentucky. The thing is that every Tom, Dick and Jim Bob with an internet connection and a $20 computer recently bought at a yard sale in the trailer park can access the web and do all kinds of stoopid shit stuff. Like buy pot from essentially a total stranger in a far away land named Cal-ee-forn-ya. My guess is that all Gomer in Kentucky knows about Cal-ee-forn-ya is what he “cyphered”from watching reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies and wondering how in the name of corn likker did they get those people in that little TV box.

Billy Wayne does, however, know weed and he has probably read, or should I say had somebody read to him, all about the killer herb grown on the Left Coast. This is where internet gaming comes in.

Johnny Jethro became friends with a Dumbass Out West by way of the Xbox Network for Idiots Who Have No Teeth or Socially Redeeming Value. So, what does Willie Duke do? He orders some pot from the Dumbass Out West – a pound to be exact – and has it shipped from Cal-ee-forn-ya to Korntucky! Via the United States Postal Service! Maybe Silas Curtis has heard this before, but Inspectors from the USPS have absolutley no sense of humor when some asswipe tries to make them look stoopid by shipping contraband across thre country by way of Snail Mail.

123 Main Street

Or was that 132 Main Street? Well, good ole Homer Goober got his pot shipped without a hitch – until it arrived in his hometown of Lawrenceburg, Kentucky. See those addresses I typed back there? At first glance, you can see where some one might get the two confused. 99% of the time this would not be a big deal. It’s the 1% that is a big deal that it’s a BIG DEAL. Big deal as in major prison bitch hood awaits me in The Cornhole Unit of the KY (KY! Prison bitch! bwahahahahaha) State Penis-tentiary big deal.

You see, Jimmy Jake the Internet Pot Guru lives at 123 Main Street in L-burg. BUT! The pound of pot he bought from the Dumbass Out West was delivered to 132 Main Street! The poor guy who lived a 132 Main was, to say the least, surprised when he opened the package that he thought contained that “special friend” from Big Bob’s Blow Up Doll Emporium and Green Stamp Redemption Center, only to discover over $2000 worth of Latin Lettuce. After the initial shock (and a couple of bong hits) wore off, Poor Guy at 132 Main called the local constabulary and Jakey Jim was arrested and will undoubtedly be the talk of the Cornhole Unit soon.

Advice That’s Too Late

As Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, the duty to counsel one of the minions on the proper way to avoid getting busted during a narcotics shipment, falls on my shoulders. It is, however, a burden that I was born to bear, so I do it freely and with great compasion.

Dude, there is a 100% guaranteed fool-proof way to avoid getting busted when shipping marijuana across state lines. Don’t do it, Dumbass! Good Gawd, son. You dare to call yourself a loyal member of the Dumbass Nation and pull stunts like this? Next time you decide you want or need an LB, grow it yourself! Do I have to tell you how to do illegal shit every. single. time? I am your Fearless Leader, not your fucking nanny.

Growing your own weed in Kentucky shouldn’t be that difficult to do and keep it on the down low. Think about it. Take away the populations of Louisville and Lexington and how many people actually live in Kentucky? Four? Five? Six, tops. See where I am going here? There aren’t enough people in the whole damn state (minus L & L) who would give a shit whether or not you farm a little “Blue Grass”. Why take a chance on getting popped for interstate pot selling and buying when you can grow it right out in your own Back 40?

To be sure, I am not advocating that any member of the Dumbass Community do something stoopid like grow pot (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Shipping your stash through the United States Postal Service, though,  is something that I highly recommend against. 

So, it’s off to the Big House for Frankie Joe where his new nick name (besides “Fresh Meat”) will be “Xbox Live”. And I’m sure his “Xbox” will be thoroughly “360”ed on a regular basis.

The guy is an afront to good, honest, hard-working dope-smoking hillbillies everywhere.

Dumbass.

Lawyer Drops Joint Onto Floor – While in Court!

“The first thing we do, Let’s kill all the lawyers” – Dick the Butcher in Shakespeare’s Henry the Sixth. Before you all go accusing me of being a smarty pants, let me assure you that I am just as big a Dumbass as you are. I knew the quote, I simply “googled” to find the specifics.

I bring this up today because there’s an attorney in Nawlins (that’s New Orleans for all the Yoopers in the audience) that probably wishes he was dead about now. Why?

Let me tell you why.

It Fell From His Pocket

Jason Cantrell is an assistant city attorney for the City of New Orleans. He was in court the other day when something most unusual, even for a court of law, happened. He was “in conversations” in the court room when a cop saw something fall from Canrell’s shirt pocket. The cop, being the polite sort, reached down to pick the object up and guess what it was. A pen? Nope. A court document. Not this time. A joint? Yup. A doobie, a manually assembled relaxation device (MARD), a hooter, a marijuana cigarette dammit! This is a big no no even in The Big Easy.

WDSU.com picks up the story from there, City spokesperson Ryan Berni said Cantrell has been suspended without pay from his part-time position, pending further investigation. Cantrell was assigned to traffic court in his public capacity.
It is not uncommon for an assistant city attorney to work private cases in addition to their work for the city.
Cantrell ran unsuccessfully in 2009 for a seat on the Juvenille Court bench. He is the husband of current City Council District B candidate LaToya Cantrell.

Let me say here that, as is common with city lawyers, Cantrell was working as a private attorney when the joint-dropping took place. Still, this is not a good thing.Jason Cantrell
Questions Abound 
  • The obvious question is why? Why in the name of Cheech and Chong would a lawyer carry a joint on his person anyway? Keep the weed at home, bro.
  • Why not hide the stash in a suit coat pocket or a cigarette pack? Why some place where even the slightest possibility of something like this could happen?
  • Is Cantrell’s phone ringing off the hook from pot heads all over New Orleans calling his number (pun intended) 24/7?
  • Where did he get his pot? 
  • Was it any good?

This is beyond stoopid and borders on dumbfuckery. What am I talkin’ about? It is dumbfuckery.

Dumbass.
***Image from HuffPo***

911 Suicide Call Leads to 124 Pot Plants in Residence!

Latin Lettuce

I don’t mind sharing some aspects of my personal life with the Dumbass Horde. You’ve probably noticed that through some of the stuff I post on this very blog. I am gonna share something with you now, as a matter of fact.

I am mentally ill. Now you may be saying to yourself right now, “But, Fearless Leader, we already know that. A person would have to be clinically stoopid to write some of the shit you write.” And you would have a valid point.

But I am very serious here. I have been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, ABC123, STP and a shit load of other alphabetical mental illness stuff that I can’t even remember. However, that doesn’t mean that I am crazy. Goofy? Yes. Weird? Without a doubt. But a lunatic? Not yet.You’d never know that I am on the verge of insanity if you knew me. Unless you lived with me. Just ask my wife.

For many people with the same problems I have, suicide is a constant companion waiting in the wings for the OK to make an appearance. Luckily, I don’t have suicidal thoughts or tendencies that haunt me on a daily basis. Others in my situation do.

For instance, there’s this guy in Key Largo, Florida….


The Dumbass In Key Largo  

The Monroe County Sheriff’s Department got a call from a local resident about a possible suicide at a certain location. This is something that the law enforcement community takes very seriously. If somebody is disturbed enough to want to kill themselves, they may also be disturbed enough to kill others as well.

So the cops go to investigate.

Upon arrival at the scene of a potentially deadly situation, the police didn’t find a suicidal Dumbass, but a guy who probably wishes he was dead.

Splaination to follow.

Always Ask “Who’s There?”  

The Fuzz approaches the house, knocks on the door and someone from inside yells, “Come in!”.

The cop goes inside the place. There’s no one at the residence threatening Hari Kari, just some poor schlub cutting up a pot plant. One of 124 pot plants at the house! Surprise, Dumbass! It is my understanding that Key Largo is a pretty laid back place and the consumption of the Herb Superb is not that big a deal. I think, though, that having over a hundred pot plants growing inside your home is a big deal. Like do a long stretch at the Florida Institution for the Criminally Dumbass Big Deal. This is also not the Dumbass’ first run-in with the Law. He has previous convictions including check fraud, assault and battery and some drug charges (no kiddin’!) too.

The fact that the Dumbass, Joseph Ebeling of Key Largo, will be unavailable for a stretch of 5 to 10 compels me to make the following Public Service Announcement:

If you buy your pot from Joseph Ebeling of Key Largo, Florida, he will not be out of the loop for a few years, therefore you need to find another Dope Guy for all your marijuana needs. This concludes this PSA from the Dumbass News Network.

Jose, your all expense paid vacation awaits you. I wouldn’t, however, count on conducting a continuing criminal enterprise (at least selling weed) in or around Key Largo when and if you get cut loose from the Big House. Somebody has already taken your place.

Dumbass.

Buying Pot Online, Then Shipping Through the US Mail is Not a Good Idea

I love the internet. I really do. If something can be done, it can be done on the world wide web, or the “3 Dub” as we international “3 Dub” blogging sensations call it.

Think about it, you look up the latest news, sports, weather, etc. You can locate long lost friends on sites like Facebook, do background checks on potential employees, do banking, buy pot…What? Yes, fellow Dumbasses, drug dealing runs amok on the internet. What in the name of the Patron Saint of the 3 Dub (Al Gore) is going on here?

Let me splain. puffpuffpasspass

Bluegrass State

High on the List of Cool Things to Do on the 3 Dub is gaming. Millions people from all over the Planet play games and make friends with others from far away places evry day, even in Kentucky. The thing is that every Tom, Dick and Jim Bob with an internet connection and a $20 computer recently bought at a yard sale in the trailer park can access the web and do all kinds of stoopid shit stuff. Like buy pot from essentially a total stranger in a far away land named Cal-ee-forn-ya. My guess is that all Gomer in Kentucky knows about Cal-ee-forn-ya is what he “cyphered”from watching reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies and wondering how in the name of corn likker did they get those people in that little TV box.

Billy Wayne does, however, know weed and he has probably read, or should I say had somebody read to him, all about the killer herb grown on the Left Coast. This is where internet gaming comes in.

Johnny Jethro became friends with a Dumbass Out West by way of the Xbox Network for Idiots Who Have No Teeth or Socially Redeeming Value. So, what does Willie Duke do? He orders some pot from the Dumbass Out West – a pound to be exact – and has it shipped from Cal-ee-forn-ya to Korntucky! Via the United States Postal Service! Maybe Silas Curtis has heard this before, but Inspectors from the USPS have absolutley no sense of humor when some asswipe tries to make them look stoopid by shipping contraband across thre country by way of Snail Mail.

123 Main Street

Or was that 132 Main Street? Well, good ole Homer Goober got his pot shipped without a hitch – until it arrived in his hometown of Lawrenceburg, Kentucky. See those addresses I typed back there? At first glance, you can see where some one might get the two confused. 99% of the time this would not be a big deal. It’s the 1% that is a big deal that it’s a BIG DEAL. Big deal as in major prison bitch hood awaits me in The Cornhole Unit of the KY (KY! Prison bitch! bwahahahahaha) State Penis-tentiary big deal.

You see, Jimmy Jake the Internet Pot Guru lives at 123 Main Street in L-burg. BUT! The pound of pot he bought from the Dumbass Out West was delivered to 132 Main Street! The poor guy who lived a 132 Main was, to say the least, surprised when he opened the package that he thought contained that “special friend” from Big Bob’s Blow Up Doll Emporium and Green Stamp Redemption Center, only to discover over $2000 worth of Latin Lettuce. After the initial shock (and a couple of bong hits) wore off, Poor Guy at 132 Main called the local constabulary and Jakey Jim was arrested and will undoubtedly be the talk of the Cornhole Unit soon.

Advice That’s Too Late

As Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, the duty to counsel one of the minions on the proper way to avoid getting busted during a narcotics shipment, falls on my shoulders. It is, however, a burden that I was born to bear, so I do it freely and with great compasion.

Dude, there is a 100% guaranteed fool-proof way to avoid getting busted when shipping marijuana across state lines. Don’t do it, Dumbass! Good Gawd, son. You dare to call yourself a loyal member of the Dumbass Nation and pull stunts like this? Next time you decide you want or need an LB, grow it yourself! Do I have to tell you how to do illegal shit every. single. time? I am your Fearless Leader, not your fucking nanny.

Growing your own weed in Kentucky shouldn’t be that difficult to do and keep it on the down low. Think about it. Take away the populations of Louisville and Lexington and how many people actually live in Kentucky? Four? Five? Six, tops. See where I am going here? There aren’t enough people in the whole damn state (minus L & L) who would give a shit whether or not you farm a little “Blue Grass”. Why take a chance on getting popped for interstate pot selling and buying when you can grow it right out in your own Back 40?

To be sure, I am not advocating that any member of the Dumbass Community do something stoopid like grow pot (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Shipping your stash through the United States Postal Service, though,  is something that I highly recommend against. 

So, it’s off to the Big House for Frankie Joe where his new nick name (besides “Fresh Meat”) will be “Xbox Live”. And I’m sure his “Xbox” will be thoroughly “360”ed on a regular basis.

The guy is an afront to good, honest, hard-working dope-smoking hillbillies everywhere.

Dumbass.

73 Year Old Granny Saves Nest Egg…By Selling Pot!

Retirement Planner

Many cultists in members of the Dumbass Horde, myself included, have reached a point in life where our Sunset Years are not that many sunsets away.

I, personally, am very close to needing to turn on the porch light in order to see through the dusk. My constant companion, Artur Itis, has, however, been kind enough to supply me with one of those curly-q CFL porch lights. How magnanimous of him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something, someone to give me hope and inspiration as I transition from Middle Aged Curmudgeon to Full Blown Old Fart. I am ecstatic to tell you, my Beloved Dumbass Horde, that I have found my Seasoned Citizen Guru in, of all places, Oklahoma.

Darlene Mayes, Granny Role Model

Darlene is special. At age 73 she is an entrepreneur who has struck it rich in her chosen endeavor. Her business encompasses several states including Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, and Kansas. As a matter of fact, Granny’s bidness supplies a full forty per cent of her product to this region.

Unfortunately, Darlene’s bidness ran into a major roadblock recently and was forced to unexpectedly shut down. Tax problems? Nope. The bad economy? Her product is basically recession-proof, so that ain’t the deal. The culprit in bringing Darlene’s to a screeching halt was the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics!

Let me splain.

The Herb Superb

You see, Granny Mayes’ wasn’t selling hand knitted quilts or Afghans or even crocheted doilies for Chrissake. She was selling POT! Latin Lettuce! Mari-fucking-juana! She was what the law enforcement community calls a Drug Kingpin. I. Shit. You. Not. This sweet, innocent looking Little Old Lady was responsible for selling millions of dollars and thousands of pounds of weed in at least four states!
  

When Darlene and her “bidness associates” were busted by the Law, she was in possession of four pounds of pot, a semi-auto pistol and a revolver. Not to mention $276,000 in cash! one her her pot dealers was her son who was popped with several thousand dollars in cash and two LBs (pounds) of potential Manually Assembled Relaxation Devices (joints, fatties, Meskin Marlboros, etc.).

According to the HuffHuffPassPass Post, when the heat went into Darlene’s house “cops found the supply in her bedroom, which reeked of weed. A vacuum-sealed bag full of the stuff was found in the closet, and bundles of bills labeled “$15,000″ were found under her box spring. They found a pipe and another bag of weed in the bathroom, and a total of $200,000 in more vacuum-sealed bags in a guest room where Mayes’ grandchildren reportedly slept.”

Darlene feigned surprise and reportedly told the Narcs that all the cheese (cash, for those of you in Kansas) they discovered in her house was “for my retirement”. Now that, Dumbasses and Dumbassettes is what is called planning for the future. Except for one thing. All that money was confiscated and remanded to the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics Donuts for a Rainy Day Fund, so Darlene won’t see one red cent of it.

She will, however, see the Sun set on her Sunset Years from a lovely cell in a Federal Penitentiary somewhere in the Midwest.

Wasted…such promise, such bidness acumen, such such…

…a Dumbass.



Best Performance by a Stoned Dumbass; The Dummy Goes To…

Makes You Hungry Just Lookin’ at It

What would such a splendor of an Award Ceremony such as The Dummies be without a category that features dumbasses and pot? Nothing, I say! Fraudulent! fake! Cheap! Well, OK, I’ll give you “cheap”, maybe even “fraudulent” on the right day, but still nothing!

Several posts about dumbasses and the herb superb have made it past the High Sheriffs at Blogger.com in the past year and have gone on to be some of the most-read entries of All Time. Therefore, I find it only fitting that we include a “dumbass and pot” selection to this year’s Dummies. 

Aaaaaaand the nominees for Best Performance By a Stoned Dumbass are…

A Guy Named Gus, His Ducks and Pot The popularity of this post took me by surprise. But then again, it’s about a French guy whose name ain’t really Gus, but some pussy French name like Claude or Michele, who raises ducks and feeds them le weed as the French say. Without giving away the whole story, the pussified Fwench (not a typo) policie (another pussy fwench word) respond to a shit load of pot Gus has been feeding his ducks by saying, “We have nev-ere seen sooch a ting before”. Les dipshits.

Homeless Dumbass, His Condo Truck and a Stoned Car Thief How is it that homeless guys, God bless ’em, are always in the middle of some stoopid shit? Even the nice, “upper crust” homeless guys like the victim in this story. Oh, yeah, the bad guy in this episode is in possession of (you guessed it!) marijuana!

How to Lose $425 Large Worth of Pot in One Easy Lesson – This one of the stoopidest things I have ever heard of. And that’s saying a lot. Long story short; dumbasses with 425 large worth of pot get carjacked. call cops. Dumbassery and possible homicide ensue.

The stoned morons in this category are such dumb fucks that they warrant an extra nomination for a Dummy in this category. 

Truck Full of Pot Wrecks; Weed Stolen by Passersby! Yup. It happened. In California. Go figger.

Wrangling up a “winner” from this group was a very touch chore. But, I did it. And the “winner” of The Dummy is……

Gus and his stoned ducks! If it tweaks the Fwench, I am all for it.

Dumbass pussies.