|The Dummy Award|
T minus 15 days til you-know-what and I can feel the tension and despair setting in in Dumbassville. As your
Fearless Leader Head Dumbass and Mayor of the Big D, I urge patience and calm during the next couple of weeks. Chaos and anarchy will not stand in Dumbassville! I say to you, fellow Dumbassvillains, look forward to the smiles that will practically be painted on children’s faces. And that’s exactly what we do here at the Dumbass Dome. We paint a smile on our kids’ faces because they, like all kids, are ungrateful little fuckers so happy to get all the loot they do. I mean who wouldn’t be? I’d shit my pants if some fat guy in a red suit left me a new Corvette on Christmas Eve.
In closing let me say, love your children now for they grow up
not fast enough too fast. Thank God! When my young ones (9 & 4) reach the age of eighteen, their now legally-an-adult asses are gone! By the time that happens I’ll be 65 years old and it’s only right that they start buyin’ shit for me! Like a new HoverRound I can take to the Grand Canyon like those two old bitties in the TV commercial. After all, I am leaving them a legacy few Fathers can pass on to their kids. The Legacy of Dumbnass.
Merry Christmas….I gottta go shopping.
Here’s some crap for you to read for today. That is if you can read. I don’t put up pretty pictures. So put your Public School Education to use. Your parents paid good money (taxes) for you to grow up to be a Dumbass.
- Fat Guy Sues White Castle – This could earn White Castle the Dumbass Business of the Year Award, The Dummy. They should be proud. Morons.
- Dumbass Psychic Should Have Seen This Coming – How you spend your hard earned money is your business, but only a Super Dumbass would spend it on a “psychic” reading. As my late Father used to say: that’s just feedin’ the monkey to watch him shit. Wiser words were never spoken.
- Man Shoots Himself in Weenie – Ouch.
That’s quite a collection of Dumbass Literary Masterpieces for your reading pleasure, but it is an honor, nay, my duty(!), to use the prose of Shakespeare, the drama of Hitchcock and mental illness to make you aware of what’s going on in this cold, cruel world.
We may have found our Dumbass of the Year for 2011 in this story. We have discovered many oustanding dumbass over the first eight months of this year, but this guy is clearly head and shoulders above the rest. Let me splain.
|Instant Vasectomy Instrument|
Arizona is one of a select few, if not the only, state that has open carry of firearms for all its eligible citizens. Joshua Seto is one of those citizens. Not long ago Josh and his fiancee decided to go out for a nice supper but things did not go well. You see his fiancee, Cara, also carries a pistol. A pink pistol. Before entering the eating establishment, Josh thought it would be a good idea if he put her gun in the waistband of his pants. Things did not go as planned. As Josh was sliding the pistol into his waistband the the gun discharged hitting ole Josh right smack dab “there”. And by “there” I mean tallywhacker. Ouch! That hurts just thinking about it. Oh, yeah, Joshua was also shot in his left thigh. Forget the thigh. This young man just shot himself in his manhood! I hope he and Cara were not planning to have children. Maybe that’s a good thing as Josh is a major dumbass. A major dumbass without a ding a ling. You. Can’t. Make. This. Stuff. Up.
A police spokesman said it was not clear if Josh had suffered any permanent damage because of the incident, but the Police Department did issue a statement urging gun owner to (I am not kidding here) to take gun safety classes! A suggested motto for the gun safety classes: “Don’t Be a Dickless Dumbass! Take the State Gun Safety Class!” There’s a rhyme there and everything. It’s a little late for good ole tallywahckerless Josh, but thousands of other Arizonans would be wise to heed this message. I hate to see any more men suffer the trauma that Josh has been through. A penisless life is no way to live. And Josh is only 27 years old, so it’s quite possible that he’ll live the next 50 years or so without the music of coitus coming from his skin flute. That’s really sad, especially if his fiancee is a nympho. Poor Joshua. But let’s look at the bright side of this tragedy. At least Josh still has gazebos…I think.