Before I even get going I am gonna give “credit” to the HuffPuffingtonLibWeeniePost for this story, it was too good to pass up. It’s pretty damn disgusting, so read further at your own peril.
I begin by saying that I am an animal lover. I like cats, dogs, squirrels, rabbits, pigs and so on and so forth. I also like cows – medium rare please. I just threw in that last part to piss off PETA and whatever other pussy animals rights organizations happen to read Dumbass News, especially after yesterday’s post about the fallow dear and the animals rights Dumbasses.
I have had pets that I genuinely loved just like a member of the family. Ginger, my cocker spaniel when I was about 5 years old. Or Cuatro, my buddy bud bud in the early 90s. More recently, Clyde the Cat. Poor Clyde tried to challenge a big ass Buick traveling at 45 mph. The big ass Buick won that fight.
I do, however, have limits as to how familial I treat animals. I prefer that an animal treat me. Treat me to dinner that is. T-bone or a chili cheeseburger sounds good to me. Simply said, I will blow a critter to smithereens if it will feed me and my family. Suck on that PETA.
Things Are Different in Sweden
There’s this funky old bastard in Sweden who “likes” wildlife to a fault. He likes them a lot, if you know what I mean and I think you do. His personal beast of choice is sheep.
|Scandi Girlfriend w/ Swen’s Baby|
Let me splain.
Some Scandi Dumbass who works at a farm was cruisin’ through the property when he noticed something unusual – an Old Guy standing behind a sheep – with his pants down – to his ankles. The Old Dumbass was apparently “having his way” with said sheep. The sheep could be overheard saying something, possibly
“Oooooohhh, Big Daa-aaa-aaa-dddyy”. But that is just a rumor.
You won’t believe this shit unless I quote directly from the HuffPo story: The witness said the alleged sheep rapist bound the sheep’s back legs together to make it easier to commit the act, The Local reported.
It is unknown whether the sheep was injured during the act, which could be crucial to any arrest.
Sweden decriminalized sex with animals in 1944, but perpetrators can be tried for animal cruelty if the animal is deemed to have sustained injury.
Meanwhile, the suspect remains on the lam, but could be facing a more serious problem than just being arrested.
A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine last November found that men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own species.
Does that mean that the President of the United States might have dick cancer? After all, he’s been fucking a wookie for two decades or so now. I’m just askin’.
What to Do Here?
I could take this story in a hundred different directions at this point, but any of those would be sickening even for this blog! I mean I could:
- Make some seriously funny, albeit very vulgar jokes about wool and female genitalia, but I won’t.
- I could even go so far as to inject a racial component into my observations, like Richard Pryor would, but I won’t.
- Ask what do you get when you cross a Scandi with a sheep…., but I won’t.
See what I mean? I will, though, go this far: curly headed Swedish kids are living proof that Scandi men fuck woolly sheep. I know this to be true because a curly headed Scandi kids first word is “daa-aa-aa-aa-dy”. I’m just sayin’.
Dumbass Note: Dumbass News is now read by Dumbasses in 141 countries around the world!!! Our latest Dumbass follower is from Myanmar!
Strange things happen when the sun goes down. Like the old Charley Pride song says, “The snakes crawl at night…”
At night, criminals, mainly thieves and burglars, do their best work, taking anything from jewelry to penises...What?? Did I just type what I think I just typed? Upon further review, I did type what I thought I typed. I typed that thieves steal male sex organs.
Why in the name of Ron Jeremy would a thief want to to pilfer a penis? The reason that immediately springs to mind is that the current owner of the ding-a-ling did something very naughty with it. Kind of a screwy notion, huh? Well, maybe it’s not as rock solid weird as you might think.
Let Me Splain.
Fei Lin, No Relation to Feng Shui, or Tina Fey for that matter,is a Dumbass. Apparently Linny, not of Lenny and Squiggy fame, likes the ladies. Even if the lady belongs to another man., like maybe Won Hung Lo. This is bad joo joo in China. Or Texas. Or Tennessee.
Anyway, Fi Fei Fo Fum was evidently Por-king some Chinese lovelies that were otherwise the significant others of some other guys, Egg Fu Yung among them. Egg Fu and Won Hung got wind of these dastardly deeds and prepared to exact their revenge on Fei Tina Peking Duc. And by “exact” I mean use an exacto knife on his Shang Hai.
Their plan was meticulously thought out and when the time came….
The Time That Came
One night after performing a little Hong Kong Phookey with another man’s woman, Fuk Yu Silly went home and went to bed, falling into a deep REM sleep mode. Recognizing this as their moment to cut and run, the Bad Guys made their way into Far Out, Man’s apartment and performed a penis-ectomy with the skill of a surgeon and the swiftness of a Ferrari.
They sliced Foo King Shits’ willie off and leaving him no hope of being a “man” again, absconded with the cut-off cucumber! In other words, they stole the dude’s dick! Giving a guy the old phallus filet is one thing, but to run off with his member also, is quite another.
It’s just plain old rude!
To no one’s surprise, Long Duc Dong is baffled by what happened to his peter. “What I do long for these ferrows to knifey rifey my manhood?” Or something like that. I took a little poetic license with the translation, but you get the picture.
The Rittle City by the Liver po-po think that revenge was a factor in the de-penis-ifying of Mr. Soprano. geez, ya think?
I don’t really know where to go with this from here except to say, guys, keep your goober in your pants when it comes to another dude’s chick. American Ginsu Guerrillas may not be nearly as nice as those wack chink dink defacers.
That is unless you’d like your new name to be No More Stiffy.
***Photo from austriantimes.at***
When I say this job is easy, I didn’t know it would ever be this easy. Below you find a sampling of 25 flat funny newspaper headlines I came across on BuzzFeed.com. If you are in a location like work where laughing your ass off out loud would be, shall we say, “distracting”, go to the toilet for a minute to read this post. If you are ROFFLMFAO in the can, your co-workers will think you are either on your cell phone (good) or slappin’ the monkey. (bad). Regardless get ready for more shamelessly copied and pasted from BuzzFeed.com.
Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines from all around the country.
Two things. 1) Dad has a smile on his face. 2) Judging by the size of Susie’s mouth, she wants to congratulate Dear Old Dad. I’m just sayin’.
Obviously that improvement hasn’t made it into headline writing. Notice the byline? It’s the Associated Press. “Nuff said.
Obama’s package is big enough to have screwed the whole damn country. I’m turned off, too. One good thing though, Obama ain’t got any balls.
The Lady is a Tramp.
I know this to be true as I have faced many obstables in my life which led me to step in many steaming piles of horse shiite.
A lot of hookers play with Tiger’s balls, too, Fearless Leader says.
Many a man has hurt his wang while going deep.
Where do you expect it go? AlAnon?
The Nationagsujw;efuq Football Leanjweivfjvqwjevv9
I have been to Boulder hundreds of times and am still amazed at what the women grow and where they grow it.
What can I say?
More Dead Ahead
I left out a few good ones for the sake of brevity, but you can see the rest of the Dumbass Headlines that are paired with these at BuzzFeed.
And if you should make the headlines, I hope it’s for doing something extremely stoopid. 🙂
Dumbass News Extra!
Dumbass News Headlines is always a popular feature here on the blog. And since we are growing in popularity at such a rapid pace, I decided to throw in a few of the prvious Dumbass News Headlines posts from the first 22 months in the life of Dumbass News.
Here’s a list of links to more Dumbass News Headlines: