Once upon a time Fearless Leader was a Professional Drinker. As with all good things, this, too, came to an end.
Since You Asked
- No I did not waste my time on 12 Step Program.
- I went through a One Step Program.
- Cold Turkey.
- Over 3 years ago.
- I was not an alcoholic.
- Alcoholics go to meetings.
- I was a Drunk.
- No meetings required.
- Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to throw me out on my sorry ass if I didn’t stop boozin’.
- She meant it.
- That was my One Step Program.
- No. Alcohol has not crossed my lips since then.
Now, “why”, you must be asking yourself, “would Fearless Leader give us a glimpse into a very private and personal part of his life?”
In spite of my best efforts to leave some kind of “I’m Not an Alcoholic, I’m a ‘Drunk’ Legacy”, all I left behind was a million or two empty beer bottles, a not uneasy task, but nonetheless not nearly as historic as what a guy in Pennsylvania accomplished.
Here is the story of John W. Saunders, mansion caretaker, and The Case(s) of Missing Whiskey:
***Image from triblive.com***
|Fwench Woman on a Stroll|
I need a day off. And since I am the boss and Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, I am gonna take one. I have some personal business to attend to today, so I dug up a post from a while back that thrilled Dumbasses around the with its insight and keen observations that is sure to excite the masses. I’ll be back tomorrow ith my usual Dumbass take on the world and the dumbasses who inhabit it.
Mankind has been in search of mythical creatures for hundreds of years. Sea monsters, the Loch Ness Monster and his American Cousin, Champ over in Vermont, the Chupacabra (Goat Sucker for all you Gringos out there) of South Texas, you name it, man has looked for it. One of the most enduring and endearing legends of dumbass looking “monsters” is that of Big Foot, Yeti or Sasquatch, depending on which culture you ask – Dumbass White Guy Culture, the Chinese or American Indians. each one has a stale of similar beasts roving the Northern Hemisphere from China to the Pacific Northwest of the USA.
Now some dumbass old man who has sought out Bigfoot for decades(!) has arranged another research expedition in search of
my mother-in-law the legendary beast. This waste of hard earned cash, I mean, scientific exercise will take place in North Carolina. the main Expedition Dumbass Guy is Michael Greene who has said that his “previous encounters with Bigfoot — also known as Sasquatch and Yeti in the folklore of different cultures — include hearing the creature roar and capturing thermal imaging footage of a 7-foot-tall creature with no discernible neck…”. Where I come from we call these encounters being shitfaced drunk and/or married. But, I am a dumbass Redneck, so what do I know. I’ll tell you what I know! I know about being married as I have partaken of such on more than one occasion and I damn sure know about being shitfaced drunk. I must confess that I was much better at being shitfaced drunk than at being married. Anyway, our Bigfoot researcher, Brother Dumbass Greene has a plan that will with unquestioned certainty will finally prove the existence of this non-existent animal!
After reading that statement, you’d think that Brother Dumbass Greene had the most advanced technology available to men of his er, uh, “stature” in his quest for Bigfoot. But no!!! Here are Greene’s own words as
stolen borrowed from the UPI story:
“Usually,” Greene said of his previous Bigfoot hunts, nothing at all happens. But you hear roaring in the bushes. They’ll pitch rocks into camp, but they never hit anybody. Greene said his team will try to root out the Sasquatch with low-tech methods such as banging on trees with baseball bats and leaving candy bars at their campsite.” In his statement, Greene left out the most powerful in his Bigfoot Searching Arsenal – moonshine! That will make something happen! Trust me on this one, folks. A couple of gizzard-warming shots of Mountain Dew will make you see Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Jesus and all sorts of other creatures and apparitions. After due consideration, I have deemed this little junket a success no matter if Bigfoot is found or not. Smoky Moutain Soothin’ Syrup is guaranteed to make any critter-finding field trip worthwhile!
Besides the low-tech approach to this experiment, Brother Dumbass Greene has unwittingly added more tools to his baseball bats,candy bars and moonshine – hallucinations and nekkidness. A snort or two of Hillbilly Sody (spelling intentional) Water and Brother Dumbass Greene and his colleagues will be dancing around the camp fire buck ass nekkid singing the Best of Slim Whitman at the top of their lungs. I just hope that Bigfoot is a Slim Whitman fan, too. Happy hunting, Senor Greene!