Category: Wierd News

Cal-ee-forn-ya Assemblywoman Shoplifts, MSM Silent; Name That Party!

I wrote this story a little over a year ago. I am re-running it because, even though it’s old news, it could be in today’s news cycle. By that I mean that the “Bad Guy” in the story is a Democrat and the story was hardly mentioned by the Lame Stream Media. Senator Menendez and the underage hookers anyone? 

However, Dumbass News isn’t the LSM! When we get a sniff of a Dumbass in action, we’re on it like a fat kid on a pork chop. We’ll make fun of anybody at any time, Republicans and Conservatives included, with the exceptions of my Mom, the Pope and Billy Graham. It’s just that Liberals and Democrats, but I repeat myself, screw up bigger and better than Republicans/Conservatives. I mean, Dems have Bill Clinton, etc., Repubs get guys like Larry “Wide Stance” Craig. 

I rest my case.
Sometimes I take for granted the fact that dumbasses come from all socio-economic backgrounds. What I mean is that all dumbasses are not homeless drunks or poor trailer park trash. Those groups and groups like them just seem to get the most press coverage. Why is that so? I have my ideas why, but that’s another topic for another day.  However! Today Dumbass News features someone who is not a homeless drunk nor a piece of trailer trash. She’s just a fucking idiot. And a State Assemblywoman in Cal-ee-forn-ya! Here’s the deal:

The Deal

Cal-ee-forn-ya State Assemblywoman Mary Hayashi, a Democrat, was recently at a San Francisco Neiman-Marcus store doing her Christmas shoplifting a little early this year. Yes, friends and dumbasses, Hayashi, a Democrat, went about her “shopping” at the upscale retailer accruing along the way $2500 worth of goodies. Are you kidding me? $2500 worth of shit in one store on a State Assemblywoman’s salary? Mary must be very thrifty with her earnings serving the pussies, homos and assorted other dumbasses in the Bay Area. That or she might be using campaign funds to quench her shopping thirst. But here’s where Mary’s shopping trip goes asunder. Or as we say back in Texas, “You ain’t gonna believe this shit!”. It turns out that assemblywoman Hayashi did not use her campaign funds to make her purchase. She also did not did not use apart of her salary as a Public Servant to buy the goods. As a matter of fact, Assemblywoman Mary Hayashi, a Democrat, did not use any money at all! She stole the $2500 worth of merchandise from Neiman’s! She rounded up the booty in the store, walked past several cashiers and made her merry way outside. Store security caught up with Hayashi, she was arrested and released on $15,000 bail.

This part is rich. Sam Singer, a Hayashi spokesdick, said,  “The incident in San Francisco was a mistake and a misunderstanding,” Singer said. “The assemblywoman strongly believes in the justice system and is hopeful that this matter will be cleared up soon.” Oh, it’ll be cleared up all right. Hopefully cleared up all the way to the state penitentiary. But then again I know people who go shopping and “forget” to pay all the time. It’s just an honest mistake right? Stoopid bitch. Just when you thought the story was weird enough, it gets weirder. Assemblywoman Mary Hayashi of Cal-ee-forn-ya (did I mention that she’s a Democrat?) is married to a Bay Area Judge! bwahahahahahahaha!!!

I don’t think this will amount to much because a) we’re talking Cal-ee-forn-ya here, b) she’s married to a Judge and c) she’s a Democrat. See “a)”. This incident will just grease the skids to her re-election. See “a)” again and look up “Clinton, Bill – impeachment”. The clueless residents of the Bay Area deserve everything they get by electing assholes like Mary Hayashi, a Democrat. I mean, hell, they just elected Governor Moonbeam again! Where’s the geological event that will sever Cal-ee-forn-ya from the Lower 48 when you need it?



More Fun-Filled Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

OK Dumbasses from 145 countries around the Globe it’s time once again for the blogosphere’s favorite daytime fun show “Let’s Give the Reader Brain Damage!” or as it is commonly referred to, Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines that somehow made it to press without being altered. In other word’s some editor was drunk, stoned, asleep or all three when these headlines got published.

In the South these kinds of people are referred to as “idjits”.

They were looking for guys with knives.

Ya don’t say!

The question is, “Whose Civil War?”

FAIL is right.

And in other news: Elvis is Still Dead.

I got nuthin.


Even more Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Dumbass Spends 65 Grand on Matchmakers, Still Ain’t Got a Woman

Jewish Guy, 47, Multimillionaire looking for beautiful thin Jewish girl from New York. Must have sense of humor.

Ladies, what would you do if you were looking for love and that ad was shown to you. I have a feeling that once you got to the “multimillionaire” part, you’d be converting to Judaism and start eating lox and bagels. Am I right? I thought so.

Some Dumbass in Plainview, New York uses those criteria in looking for the perfect woman. As a matter of fact, over the last several years, Larry Greenfield has spent $65,000 looking for the woman he describes in that ad. You see, Larry has been using matchmaking services to find a woman fitting that description. Twelve years!

After over a decade of looking for love in the classifieds, as it were, Larry has come up with a conclusion that will bowl you over. He says matchmaking services are a ripoff! Knock me over with a yenta and call me Schlomoe.

No shit, Larry?  And just what caused you to come to that realization, Einstein? Oh, wait. He’s got sixty-five thousand reasons for saying that. My bad.

To be fair, the matchmaking services Larry used say that he’s too picky in regards to his women. I say, big fucking deal! It’s his money! He is paying you to find him a woman. Quit bitchin’ and get to matchmakin’.


That’s all I can say. What. The . Fuck.

All this time I thought that meeting a woman in person at a dinner party, at work or at church even, was the way to find a soul mate. You know, ask her out on a date, talk to her, better yet listen to her, wash, rinse, repeat, then marry the froy. It’s obvious that Larry and I differ on the ways to find the woman of your dreams.

Wait a minute! That shit never worked for me either! As a matter of fact, I found several women of my dreams doing shit the old fashioned way.

Larry, it’s your money, bro. Blow it however you see fit. If it means matchmakers, then use ’em. If it means meeting a woman at synagogue, then so be it. If it means you go broke looking for a “thin, beautiful, funny Jewish girl from New York”, then so it will be. And if you go broke, then it’s no Jewish broad for you, Larry. You’ll end up instead with a Baptist girl who’s not allowed to dance or make love standing up (because it looks too much like dancing!) And we know how those mixed marriages work out, don’t we?

It all means one thing in the end, Larry.

You are a…