Category: Wisconsin

Lady Messes w/Python; Python Latches on to Dumbass Lady’s Face!

Best of Dumbass News

The People’s Republic of Madison is a very nice city. That is if you could chase off the Liberal weenies and Liberal weenie college kids at the University of Wisconsin who live there. Liberal weenie-ism, and by definition dumbassery, is a way of life in Madtown and today’s story will show you just what kind of dumbass occupies this lovely burg.

Book Club Meeting 

A 31 year old woman, whose name is not mentioned in my source story, was attending a book club meeting recently when she got a little bit more than a review and nice discussion on the book in question, Communism for Dummies. Other than the book, there was something else at the meeting that caught the lady’s eye. A 4-foot long ball python. 

The snake was in an aquarium at the meeting place, the lady noticed it and thought “Oh, boy!. There’s a 4-foot long ball python in that aquarium! Why don’t I take it out of there!” So she did. She shouldn’t have. Supposedly this dumbass bimbo had experience in handling snakes, but based on what happened next, I ain’t so sure. I think maybe her experience with serpents was limited to a man’s nether regions and rubber snakes used as props in her stripper routine. OK, I’m busted. I made up that last part about men’s you-know-whats and stripping, although it sounds plausible to me.

The python took exception to being removed from its cozy little domicile and promptly bit the dumbass lady in the face! To my knowledge, once a python has a grip on something, it’s not in any hurry to let go of it and this snake was no different than any other python. He latched on and had to be “persuaded” to let go. And by “persuaded” I mean shot with a Clint Eastwood size pistol. You caught me again. I made up the bit about the Clint Eastwood pistol. I did not, however, make up the part about the snake remaining attached to the broad’s face. He was quite content. Did I tell you that pythons, even though not venomous, have teeth? They do. Lots of them. That’s how they hold on to their prey until they can squeeze it until it’s a lifeless lump. The dumbass lady wasn’t hurt too bad and the snake’s owner was able to remove it from the nosy dame’s face.

Lesson Learned

One thing that came to mind upon reading this story was, why did the dumbass have to mess with the snake in the first place? But then again I don’t like snakes, so it’s a foreign concept to me. Also, if she had experience in handling snakes, how could she let it get within striking distance of her face? It may be just me, but if I’m holding a 4-foot snake of any kind, I am protecting two things (three, depending on how you count ’em): my face and my gazebos. After 55 years, I have grown quite fond of the two (three?) of them.

As I said, the lady wasn’t seriously injured, but I am concerned about the health of the python. That broad could have been infected with some kind of livestock disease. Have you ever seen the corn-fed Liberal weenie women, especially the ones who go to book club meetings, in Madison? I have. In the mid-80s. And I haven’t been back to town since. I’m just sayin’.

Dumbasses.

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Liberal Weenie Doctors Slam Cheese…In Wisconsin!

There are certain truths in life that you just don’t mess around with. When in Texas, it’s a real bad idea to make fun of chili. In North Carolina, it’s not too smart to complain about pulled pork sandwiches. You don’t piss into the wind and another undeniable fact of life is that you do not bad mouth cheese in America’s Dairyland, Wisconsin. Let me splain.

There’s a group of doctors located near Green Bay (Go Pack!) who have gone and pissed in the Cheerios, or more accurately, cheese, of the fine, cheese-loving population of the state. This is not wise. I’d say it’s more, oh, what’s the word, dumbass. The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine has put up a billboard near Title Town that blasphemes one of America’s favorite foods, cheese, and that has some folks pretty damn mad. Besides the usual “if you eat cheese you’ll die” bullshit, the billboard also features the Grim Reaper wearing a Cheesehead Hat. That’s one of those giant wedges of cheese that you see tens of thousands of fans wear at Lambeau Field during a Green Bay Packers game. (Go Pack!). It would be a better idea to call the Pope an atheist than to demean a Cheesehead hat in Green Bay. At least the Pope would forgive. Packers fans will not.

But, Toby, this group is made up of doctors, shouldn’t they know this stuff? Yes they are doctors and no they don’t necessarily know this stuff. This particular group of physicians is a bunch of Liberal do gooders that want to tell you how to live your life. Toby don’t play dat. And if they want to live at all, they should drop the billboard idea like the Packers front four drops an opposing quarterback – real quick. These dipshit docs are messing with lots of people who work in and around the cheese industry and by extension, messing with these same folks’ livelihood. Slick move ex Lax.

If this bunch of weenie yankers want to do the country a service, move to California and preach the gospel of why granola and the sissies that eat it are bad for the human race. They won’t fight back, but they just might scratch your eyes out, you meanies.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Killer Must Pay $36,000 for Victim’s Funeral

I have written many stories about dead people for Dumbass News. For a plethora (<==gratuitous El Guapo link) of reasons, I have deemed that each of these stories contained the requisite amount of dumbassery needed to make it into “print”.

Some Examples of Dead Guy Stories

Strangely enough, and befitting this blog, two of the most popular Dead Guy Stories involve sex. I’m tellin’ ya that there’s a lot of dyin’ goin’ on when people are bumpin’ uglies.

In one story, the woman said, “Ooooo Big Daddy make my day!” That’s when the gun went off. See for yourself.

Another Biggie is the one about the guy that was cheating on his wife and died during a threesome!

One of the most popular stories in the History of This Blog is about the Frozen Dead Guy of Nederland, Colorado. I used to live in Nederland, so I can personally vouch for the authenticity of the Frozen Dead Guy.

A Different Kind of Dead Guy Story

Deposit $36,000 Please

While the aforementioned tales of the crypt are certainly Dumbass News-worthy, the lack something that today’s Dead Guy Story has – revenge from the grave!

Here’s the thumbnail version: Guy kills another guy. Family of Dead Guy sues killer for the cost of the victim’s funeral. Judge grants Family of Dead Guy’s request. Nothing unusual – yet.

The Catch: Dead Guy was a member of Hmong (pronounced “mung”) religious sect. The thing is that Hmongs have large funerals. Very large funerals. In this case the Big Adios lasted more than three days and included food and drink for all 500 guests. The tab? Thirty-six large. $36,000. Thirty-six grand.

Upon getting the ruling, the Killer’s lawyer went ape shit, saying that the average funeral costs only about $8000. The Judge in the case told the defense attorney “tough toenails, asswipe”,your client owes these people 36 Great Big Ones. Hizzoner also stated that it didn’t appear to him that the Dead Guy’s Family was running up the tab, they were just following Hmong tradition.

That’s some tradition they’ve got goin’ on there. Hell, when the time comes for me to buy the farm, my survivors could invite everyone I know and 500 people wouldn’t show up. Those who do show up, however, can throw back more likker than 500 Hmongs. Easy. Don’t even get me started on how much food they could inhale.

And there ain’t a Hmong amongst ’em.

Dumbasses.

***Hat tip to FARK.com & The Journal-Times of Sheboygan***

 

Curiosity & the Dumbass; What Could Go Wrong?

Madison Skyline

The People’s Republic of Madison is a very nice city. That is if you could chase off the Liberal weenies and Liberal weenie college kids at the University of Wisconsin who live there. Liberal weenie-ism, and by definition dumbassery, is a way of life in Madtown and today’s story will show you just what kind of dumbass occupies this lovely burg.

Book Club Meeting 

A 31 year old woman, whose name is not mentioned in my source story, was attending a book club meeting recently when she got a little bit more than a review and nice discussion on the book in question, Communism for Dummies. Other than the book, there was something else at the meeting that caught the lady’s eye. A 4-foot long ball python.

The snake was in an aquarium at the meeting place, the lady noticed it and thought “Oh, boy!. There’s a 4-foot long ball python in that aquarium! Why don’t I take it out of there!” So she did. She shouldn’t have. Supposedly this dumbass bimbo had experience in handling snakes, but based on what happened next, I ain’t so sure. I think maybe her experience with serpents was limited to a man’s nether regions and rubber snakes used as props in her stripper routine. OK, I’m busted. I made up that last part about men’s you-know-whats and stripping, although it sounds plausible to me.

The python took exception to being removed from its cozy little domicile and promptly bit the dumbass lady in the face! To my knowledge, once a python has a grip on something, it’s not in any hurry to let go of it and this snake was no different than any other python. He latched on and had to be “persuaded” to let go. And by “persuaded” I mean shot with a Clint Eastwood size pistol. You caught me again. I made up the bit about the Clint Eastwood pistol. I did not, however, make up the part about the snake remaining attached to the broad’s face. He was quite content. Did I tell you that pythons, even though not venomous, have teeth? They do. Lots of them. That’s how they hold on to their prey until they can squeeze it until it’s a lifeless lump. The dumbass lady wasn’t hurt too bad and the snake’s owner was able to remove it from the nosy dame’s face.

Lesson Learned

One thing that came to mind upon reading this story was, why did the dumbass have to mess with the snake in the first place? But then again I don’t like snakes, so it’s a foreign concept to me. Also, if she had experience in handling snakes, how could she let it get within striking distance of her face? It may be just me, but if I’m holding a 4-foot snake of any kind, I am protecting two things (three, depending on how you count ’em): my face and my gazebos. After 55 years, I have grown quite fond of the two (three?) of them.

As I said, the lady wasn’t seriously injured, but I am concerned about the health of the python. That broad could have been infected with some kind of livestock disease. Have you ever seen the corn-fed Liberal weenie women, especially the ones who go to book club meetings, in Madison? I have. In the mid-80s. And I haven’t been back to town since. I’m just sayin’.

Dumbasses.

Curiosity Gets the Best of the Dumbass

Madison – A Very Pretty City

The People’s Republic of Madison is a very nice city. That is if you could chase off the Liberal weenies and Liberal weenie college kids at the University of Wisconsin who live there. Liberal weenie-ism, and by definition dumbassery, is a way of life in Madtown and today’s story will show you just what kind of dumbass occupies this lovely burg.

Book Club Meeting 

A 31 year old woman, whose name is not mentioned in my source story, was attending a book club meeting recently when she got a little bit more than a review and nice discussion on the book in question, Communism for Dummies. Other than the book, there was something else at the meeting that caught the lady’s eye. A 4-foot long ball python.

The snake was in an aquarium at the meeting place, the lady noticed it and thought “Oh, boy!. There’s a 4-foot long ball python in that aquarium! Why don’t I take it out of there!” So she did. She shouldn’t have. Supposedly this dumbass bimbo had experience in handling snakes, but based on what happened next, I ain’t so sure. I think maybe her experience with serpents was limited to a man’s nether regions and rubber snakes used as props in her stripper routine. OK, I’m busted. I made up that last part about men’s you-know-whats and stripping, although it sounds plausible to me.

The python took exception to being removed from its cozy little domicile and promptly bit the dumbass lady in the face! To my knowledge, once a python has a grip on something, it’s not in any hurry to let go of it and this snake was no different than any other python. He latched on and had to be “persuaded” to let go. And by “persuaded” I mean shot with a Clint Eastwood size pistol. You caught me again. I made up the bit about the Clint Eastwood pistol. I did not, however, make up the part about the snake remaining attached to the broad’s face. He was quite content. Did I tell you that pythons, even though not venomous, have teeth? They do. Lots of them. That’s how they hold on to their prey until they can squeeze it until it’s a lifeless lump. The dumbass lady wasn’t hurt too bad and the snake’s owner was able to remove it from the nosy dame’s face.

Lesson Learned

One thing that came to mind upon reading this story was, why did the dumbass have to mess with the snake in the first place? But then again I don’t like snakes, so it’s a foreign concept to me. Also, if she had experience in handling snakes, how could she let it get within striking distance of her face? It may be just me, but if I’m holding a 4-foot snake of any kind, I am protecting two things (three, depending on how you count ’em): my face and my gazebos. After 55 years, I have grown quite fond of the two (three?) of them.

As I said, the lady wasn’t seriously injured, but I am concerned about the health of the python. That broad could have been infected with some kind of livestock disease. Have you ever seen the corn-fed Liberal weenie women, especially the ones who go to book club meetings, in Madison? I have. In the mid-80s. And I haven’t been back to town since. I’m just sayin’.

Dumbasses.

Nekkid Mail Guy is a First Class Dumbass

Neither rain, snow, sleet or frozen Gazebos…

Today we are gonna take a look through the Dumbass Time Tunnel and resurrect a post I wrote about this time last year. It involves a sad lady, a mail man and nekkididity. I’m sure you’ll like it. 

Have you done something on a dare? Probably so, because we all have at one time or another. I would go so far as to say that the dares we followed through on were silly things that were basically harmless. But! some people are just too much of a dumbass to stay on the harmless side of things. Take for instance, a postman in Whitefish, Wisconsin. This guy is a dumbass. Let me splain.

The dumbass postman in our story today was very concerned about a lady who worked at one of the places he delivered mail to. The lady was down in the dumps about something and the dumbass mail guy wanted to cheer her up. And what a better way to cheer up a forlorn young lady than to deliver her company’s mail in the nude! The mail guy offered to do so, as a public service of course, and the sad young lady replied, “I double dawg dare ya, you putz.”  So, a short time later, the postman showed up nekkid as a jay bird, with his “male bag of goodies” (pun intended) and his “candy cane” full of holiday wishes, if you know what I mean and I think you do. After being arrested, the cops asked him why he did such a dumbass thing, the mail guy said that he wanted to make the sad lady smile. I hear that everyone who worked with the formerly sad lady had a large laugh at such a small package. The boys back at the Post Office, however, failed to see things the dumbass’s way, so he was fired from his job. Oh, the lady that was sad at one time said she did nothing to encourage such dumbass behavior from the mail guy. She was looking for something in Parcel Post and all she got was General Delivery.

I feel kinda bad for this particular dumbass losing his job and all just before Christmas. This whole sordid affair does have a happy ending though. The mail guy was never put on trial. The prosecutor said that there was insufficient evidence to stand up in court.

Dumbass.

Liberal Weenie Doctors Slam Cheese! In Wisconsin!

Viva Los Cheeseheads!

There are certain truths in life that you just don’t mess around with. When in Texas, it’s a real bad idea to make fun of chili. In North Carolina, it’s not too smart to complain about pulled pork sandwiches. You piss into the wind and another undeniable fact of life is that you do not bad mouth cheese in America’s Dairyland, Wisconsin. Let me splain.

There’s a group of doctors located near Green Bay (Go Pack!) who have gone and pissed in the Cheerios, or more accurately, cheese, of the fine, cheese-loving population of the state. This is not wise. I’d say it’s more, oh, what’s the word, dumbass. The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine has put up a billboard near Title Town that blasphemes one of America’s favorite foods, cheese, and that has some folks pretty damn mad. Besides the usual “if you eat cheese you’ll die” bullshit, the billboard also features the Grim Reaper wearing a Cheesehead Hat. That’s one of those giant wedges of cheese that you see tens of thousands of fans wear at Lambeau Field during a Green Bay Packers game. (Go Pack!). It would be a better idea to call the Pope an atheist than to demean a Cheesehead hat in Green Bay. At least the Pope would forgive. Packers fans will not.

But, Toby, this group is made up of doctors, shouldn’t they know this stuff? Yes they are doctors and no they don’t necessarily know this stuff. This particular group of physicians is a bunch of Liberal do gooders that want to tell you how to live your life. Toby don’t play dat. And if they want to live at all, they should drop the billboard idea like the Packers front four drops an opposing quarterback – real quick. These dipshit docs are messing with lots of people who work in and around the cheese industry and by extension, messing with these same folks’ livelihood. Slick move ex Lax.

If this bunch of weenie yankers want to do the country a service, move to California and preach the gospel of why granola and the sissies that eat it are bad for the human race. They won’t fight back, but they just might scratch your eyes out, you meanies.

Dumbasses.