On this day I, Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, hereby proclaim that Dumbass News Reader and Submitter Extraordinaire of Dumbassery of the Highest Order, Stoo, shall henceforth and for eternity be known as Dumbass Emeritus.
Stoo, go forth and be plentiful. Or get neutered. Or something.
Today Dumbass News has reached a milestone. The post previous to this one with the poll on whether I should start a Dumbass YouTube Channel was the 600th in this blog’s almost two year history! It’s hard for me to believe that I have stuck around this long. What’s even more amazing is that you are still around to read this crap.That says a lot about your character, you know. And it ain’t good. Dumbass.I am sure your mental health professional is not too happy about that. Screw ’em. They are deranged enough to be making a living off dealing with Dumbasses every day, so what does that say about them?
Checkmate and pass the Lithium.
I thought that an occasion as monumental as this one should be properly recognized and feted. So, I went through the blog archives and pulled some of my personal favorite Dumbss News stories from the first 600.
Here are those posts, in no particular order.
- White Trash Shopping Spree – This was our first “big” post garnering all of eighty-three (83) views! The Dumbass in the story is doing a little dumpster diving when the sanitation company that owns the dumpster shows up in a garbage truck. Hilarity ensues.
- Tattoos Are Forever, Dumbass – This story was posted on October 1, 2010 when Dumbass News was less than two weeks old. I still get people stopping by to read it. True Dumbasses. I love ’em. It’s about a guy who gets a radio station’s logo tattooed to his forehead! It was a prank by the DJ. Bonus Dumbassery: Not long after this adventure, the radio station changed call letters!
- Boobs – Nature’s Sweater Puppies – Boobs bring eyeballs to the blog.
- Robbed While Buying Pot, Dumbass Calls Police – Another biggie.
- More recent favorites include: Strippers Help LA Little League! Almost, Boobs for Beer, Duct Tape & Nekkid Driving, A Female Dumbass With a WiFi Fetish, anything from the pat month and stuff with the words boobs, pot and nekkid in the title.
Picking out favorite Dumbass News stories is a lot like picking out your favorite kid in the family. Each is unique and you love them all equally but in a different way.
You have 600 of ’em to choose from, so search the archives till dumbassery leaks from your eye ball sockets. You’ll thank me later.
But, I thank you now. All of you in the 137 countries around the globe who spend your valuable time reading Dumbass News.Your support has been amazing and much appreciated. Just short of 70,000 page views as of today, I am a humbled Fearless Leader.
|In Need of a Dumbass Hangover Cure|
It’s Sunday and the day after St. Patrick’s Day and I know you Dumbasses are hungover like Charlie Sheen after a night with hookers and nose candy. So, I’ll make it easy on you with another edition of Best of Dumbass News!
Before we get to the meat of the post, I would like to offer some hangover cures as used and approved by a former Professional Drinker – me. Your milage may vary.
Menudo – Menudo is a Meskin soup that uses tripe (cow guts) as it’s major component. It tastes like shit, but if you can stomach a few slurps, it’s the hangover cure for Meskins everywhere. It works. If you have a neighborhood or Mom and Pop Meskin Food place near you, you should score some menudo
Beer – The Hair of the Dog. A rodeo warm Budweiser is best.
Pot – Is there anything a good fatty won’t cure? This is, of course, illegal, so smoke at your own risk. A joint will also make menudo taste like a T-bone steak. Double Hangover Cure! Spark one up!
Lesbians Need Penises – In this masterpiece, I profile a penis museum in Iceland. I am still waiting for a call from the Pulitzer Prize Dumbasses.
Dumbass Emeritus – A lovely young lass named Alexandra is the only Dumbass Emeritus in the history of Dumbass News. The reason is simple. Alex has a website called WTF WiFi which deals with the nnicknames people assigned to the wireless networks in their homes and businesses. It’s a great site with some very funny WiFi Nics. WTF WiFi further proves that dumbasses are everywhere. Plus, Alex makes a little cheese off of such a simple but brilliant idea by following the KISS Theory – Keep It Simple Stupid. Outstanding.
Dumbass Hoarders and a Dead Granny – This is a tale fit for the whole family with a valuable lesson at the end. Be sure to have your children at your side when you read this. They’ll be amazed by this warm, yet sad story.
Well, that’s it for today, Dumbasses. It’s a beautiful day here in Northern New England, so I think I’ll spend some time with my daughters and maybe start some plants so I can have them ready to go come Memorial Day when it’s finally safe to put them outside. Until the next time we convene, do something today that will make Dumbass News headlines tomorrow. You’ll make your family proud.