Category: Wyoming

Step Mom Hate Your Boyfriend? Poison Her!

It was bound to happen again.

Back in September, 2012 (the 2nd Birthday of Dumbass News), I regaled you with the tale of a woman who felt like she was being shunned by her boyfriend. The chick was starving for attention. After much emotional neglect from said boyfriend, she devised a unique way to renew his interest in her. She poisoned him! With nose drops.

To be sure, I am not a big fan of poisoning another human bean in order to attract his or her attention. In this particular case, it appears to me that a more effective, and non-lethal, method of gaining notice from the boyfriend would have been to have made a special dinner for him or perhaps to buy some slutty Catholic School Girl lingerie. 

But that’s just me.


Here We Go Again

Alexis

Today’s story is eerily similar to the one I just told you about. Simply, change the word “boyfriend” to “step mother” and it’s basically the same deal.

The pissed off female in today’s post is Alexis Jennings of Casper, Wyoming. Getting their information from an arrest affidavit, trib.com reveals some of the facts of this case: Jennings, 18, began slipping the drops into her stepmother’s tea and coffee in July 2012. By the time Jennings was arrested in November, the alleged victim had involuntarily consumed about 20 bottles of Visine and was subsequently hospitalized twice.

The obvious question here is why in the name of all that is Holy would a young lady with her whole life in front of her want to poison to death her step mother? Physical abuse? Wire hangers? No! Alexis wanted her step mom pushing up daisies because the Wicked Old Step Mother aid something not nice about Alexis’ boyfriend! Well, hell, that explains everything!

The Trib story continues, at first, Jennings told the deputy, she just wanted to make the alleged victim sick, but she eventually determined she’d rather the woman die. Over time, Jennings reportedly increased the dosage from one-sixth of a bottle to one-fourth of a bottle. 

Ways to Avoid the Temptation of Killing Your Step Mother

  1. Ignore her and dismiss any negative things she says about your significant other.
  2. Ask her nicely to shut the fuck up.
  3. Listen to what she says. Maybe Step Mom is right and you need a new boyfriend.
  4. Kick her ass. This method of murder avoidance is a one time deal. If after you pound her face to a bloody pulp she persists in her unacceptable behavior, then and only then is it permissible to escalate your attacks on her to homicidal levels. 
  5. Just kidding about the homicide thing in Number 4.
  6. Count to 10.
  7. Move out.
  8. Kill yourself.

I offer to you these alternatives to killing one of God’s children as a Public Service. It is incumbent upon me as your Fearless Leader to do so, to offer you inner peace when the fires of rage envelope your soul. I am here for you always.

If, at this point, all else fails, then it’s time to fucking go postal.

Dumbass.

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Purse Goes BOOM in Starbucks;Reader’s Choice Birthday Bash Best of Dumbass News

I wrote this post back on January 5,2012 and for some Dumbass Reason, it has been one of the most popular posts of the last couple of years.

As we celebrate two years of Dumbass News, this goes on the Dumbass’ Choice List of Favorite Posts Since the Beginning of the Blog.

Over & Under Pistolaccino

With big announcement of the 2011 Dumbass of the Year and the big threefer Dumbass of the Day post from yesterday, we have begun the new year with both barrels ablazin’. Kind of like our dumbass today, except that I am using “both barrels ablazin'” as a metaphor for getting off to a rousing start. Our Dumbass of the Day uses “both barrels ablazin'” in a very literal sense. Allow me to elucidate.

The Elucidation

There’s a young lady, a teenager in fact, in Cheyenne, Wyoming who was visiting her local Starbucks so she could waste $5 on a cup of coffee that she could buy somewhere else for $1.29, when a very strange thing happened. Her purse went off. Not went off like it grew legs and ran away. Went off as in POW! Like a gun! Wanna know why it sounded like a gun? Because it was a gun! As much as I hate to say this about teenagers, this chick is a dumbass. She had an over and under (one barrel on top of another barrel) derringer in her purse and somehow the damn thing discharged. The bullet went through a chair and embedded itself in a wall on the other side of the coffee shop. This young lady is lucky that the bullet didn’t go through another customer and embed itself in yet another bystander. The cops were summoned to the scene and were not exactly what one would call “amused”. “Pissed” is more like it. They cited the dumbass with possession of a firearm by a juvenile which carries a $750 bond and an automatic (no gun pun intended) court appearance. 

The 2nd Amendment

If you’ve been stoopid enough to have read this blog for any length of time, you know that I am big Constitutionalist. If it’s in the Constitution of the United States, leave it the hell alone! This is especially true of the Second Amendment, the one that gives Americans the right to keep and bear arms. There are many good reasons for this amendment being the second one right behind the Freedom of Speech thing, but those are for discussion on another day. 

Anyway, the right to bear arms in the state of Wyoming is not afforded to those not yet of the majority age. For those of you in San Francisco that means a person must be at least 18 in order to legally have a gun in Wyoming. Commie Dumbasses. (in SF, not Wyoming)

Having said all that, with gun ownership comes great responsibility and this girl obviously left responsibility at home when she was packing heat in the first place, much less in a public establishment like Starbucks. As was done, she received the punishment due to her and still faces other charges. Maybe. It’s up to the DA in Cheyenne.

The Right to Be a Dumbass

I don’t normally cover subjects that are so serious, but even dumbasses, myself included, need a reminder of what it takes to be a good American Dumbass. This country has allowed us to be the finest dumbasses on the planet, so let’s do our due diligence in showing our gratitude for such an opportunity. Remember, there are places on this Big Blue Marble that punish and demean dumbasses and gun owners but celebrate sissies and perverts. Like San Francisco. Pussies.

As for our little Annie Oakley at Starbucks…quit packing a rod and tote some feminine hygiene products instead. You never know when you’ll be in San Fran and one of the pussies there will need one. 

And start drinking decaf. You’ll be much better off.

Dumbass.

Purse Goes BANG in Starbucks!

Over & Under

With big announcement of the 2011 Dumbass of the Year and the big threefer Dumbass of the Day post from yesterday, we have begun the new year with both barrels ablazin’. Kind of like our dumbass today, except that I am using “both barrels ablazin'” as a metaphor for getting off to a rousing start. Our Dumbass of the Day uses “both barrels ablazin'” in a very literal sense. Allow me to elucidate.

The Elucidation

There’s a young lady, a teenager in fact, in Cheyenne, Wyoming who was visiting her local Starbucks so she could waste $5 on a cup of coffee that she could buy somewhere else for $1.29, when a very strange thing happened. Her purse went off. Not went off like it grew legs and ran away. Went off as in POW! Like a gun! Wanna know why it sounded like a gun? Because it was a gun! As much as I hate to say this about teenagers, this chick is a dumbass. She had an over and under (one barrel on top of another barrel) derringer in her purse and somehow the damn thing discharged. The bullet went through a chair and embedded itself in a wall on the other side of the coffee shop. This young lady is lucky that the bullet didn’t go through another customer and embed itself in yet another bystander. The cops were summoned to the scene and were not exactly what one would call “amused”. “Pissed” is more like it. They cited the dumbass with possession of a firearm by a juvenile which carries a $750 bond and an automatic (no gun pun intended) court appearance. 

The 2nd Amendment

If you’ve been stoopid enough to have read this blog for any length of time, you know that I am big Constitutionalist. If it’s in the Constitution of the United States, leave it the hell alone! This is especially true of the Second Amendment, the one that gives Americans the right to keep and bear arms. There are many good reasons for this amendment being the second one right behind the Freedom of Speech thing, but those are for discussion on another day. 

Anyway, the right to bear arms in the state of Wyoming is not afforded to those not yet of the majority age. For those of you in San Francisco that means a person must be at least 18 in order to legally have a gun in Wyoming. Commie Dumbasses. (in SF, not Wyoming)

Having said all that, with gun ownership comes great responsibility and this girl obviously left responsibility at home when she was packing heat in the first place, much less in a public establishment like Starbucks. As was done, she received the punishment due to her and still faces other charges. Maybe. It’s up to the DA in Cheyenne.

The Right to Be a Dumbass

I don’t normally cover subjects that are so serious, but even dumbasses, myself included, need a reminder of what it takes to be a good American Dumbass. This country has allowed us to be the finest dumbasses on the planet, so let’s do our due diligence in showing our gratitude for such an opportunity. Remember, there are places on this Big Blue Marble that punish and demean dumbasses and gun owners but celebrate sissies and perverts. Like San Francisco. Pussies.

As for our little Annie Oakley at Starbucks…quit packing a rod and tote some feminine hygiene products instead. You never know when you’ll be in San Fran and one of the pussies there will need one. 

And start drinking decaf. You’ll be much better off.

Dumbass.

Automobile With $425,000 in Pot on Board Gets Carjacked

The Herb Superb

Boy, have I got a doozy of a dumbass story for you today. If the dumbass were any thicker in this story, you could cut it with a knife. So, let’s get to slicin’.

A man and a woman recently took off from Utah heading across the country to North Carolina. However, this was no ordinary cross country cruise. On the leg of their trip that found them in Wyoming, the couple was carjacked by three men in a red SUV. “That’s terrible!,” you’re thinking. Yes and no. It’s terrible that the two were carjacked, but not as terrible as you might suspect. You see, our two lovers were hauling over $425,000 worth of pot from Utah to North Carolina. Not only did they get carjacked, but almost a half million dollars worth of pot was stolen along with their car! Dumbasses. This constitutes a bad day if you are a drug dealer. Totin’ over four hundred “large” worth of weed for over 2000 miles is stupid enough, but when you get carjacked and your Latin Lettuce is taken, too, we are getting dangerously close to dumbass territory. One would think that having been the victim of this crime and somebody’s very large cargo of chronic is stolen from you, it seems like this might be a good time to thank God that you are alive, despite being more stupid than a rat’s asshole, cut your losses and get as far away as possible from the guy who entrusted you with $425,000 worth of Meskin Marlboros. The Pot Guy just might be a smidgen miffed when he’s told his pot has been stolen from his trustworthy couriers. Why he might even be mad enough to, oh, I don’t know, KILL SOMEONE!!! When the Pot Guy finds out that you called the Police to report the carjacking, I’ve got this sneaky suspicion that he’ll become even more unhinged over this turn of events.

Have you ever noticed when reading about or watching one of those cop shows, that only dumbasses haul large quantities of drugs around? I mean aside from the fact that hauling large amounts of contraband is a dumbass thing to do anyway. These two dumbasses got carjacked, but I have read a hundred times that so many of these losers get pulled over for the most minor of offenses – not using a turn signal, a brake light is out, speeding…you get the idea. But the two dumbass pot haulers in this story get carjacked, lose the pot to the other bad guys and call the cops to report the carjacking, never once (apparently) thinking that the cops might find over $400,000 worth of ganja is their car? The couple and one of the other bad guys were arrested and put in a Wyoming jail.

This has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life. I’m sitting here as I type this, still wondering what. the. fuck.?! These two goofballs give even drug runners a bad name. Dumbasses.