We face a daunting dilemma in this country. The unemployment rate? No. Obamacare? Even worse.
“But Fearless Leader,” you plead, “what could be worse than the clusterfuck that is Obamacare or such a high jobless count?”
Well, ya Dumbass, I’ll tell you what kind of pickle the United States of America is in and the unnerving obstacle blocking our path that leads us back to the level of Freedom that our Founding Fathers envisioned for this country.
Let me splain.
A Perfect Example
KEY WEST — The island just isn’t what it used to be.
The Key West Citizen reports that a man who was covered in ketchup, sprawled in the middle of an Old Town street and screaming profanities about tourists ruining his town was arrested early Wednesday.
The 42-year-old homeless man was charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and misdemeanor resisting arrest.
See what I mean?
Look at the level of personal upheaval and inner turmoil, not to mention tomato ketchup, thrust upon this man, and possibly thousands more residents of Key West, simply because outsiders dare to visit and willingly spend ten millions of dollars each year in this island paradise. What. The. Fuck.
How dare tourists, the blight on mankind and the economy that they are, spend four bucks a gallon on gasoline to travel, often over 1000 miles, to Key West and while they are there spend another few grand on hotels, meals and “I Spent 5 Gs On This Trip to Key West and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt and An Up Close Look at Actual Hippie Pot Heads and Homos” t-shirts!
What’s Wrong With the People of Key West?
I can tell you in one word what the problem with the residents of the Southernmost Point in the Continental United States is: Yankees.
There! I said it!
Yankees have re-kindled the War of Northern Aggression. In a very subtle way. Yankees have infiltrated Florida! Hundreds of thousands of Yankees have left behind crummy Yankee state economies and outrageously high tax rates, not to mention winters that last for six months, and fled to sunny, warm, formerly Yankee-free locales like The Sunshine State. Here’s the kicker: once there, they try their dead level best to turn the place they immigrated to into a place like the hell hole that they left!
Yankees are sneaky like that.
It is for this reason that I believe the Ketchup Guy did what he did. It’s just that the newspapers in Key West are too pussified to lay bare the Truth. You see, in their version of this story the word “tourist” is a code word for “Yankee”, so it’s not the real tourists who are ruining Key West, it’s the Yankees! Amiright?
Moral of the Story
About forty years ago when Houston, Texas was in the middle of great economic prosperity, Yankees by the thousands moved to H-Town to escape Communist Regimes in places like Michigan. Houston had jobs and low taxes, Michigan had no jobs and high taxes. With this unprecedented influx of Northern Aggressors, Houston was forever transformed. Many Houstonians were not pleased.
Houston’s then-Mayor, Louie Welch, summed up the feelings of his town’s Native citizenry thusly: “Yankees are like hemorrhoids. If they come down and go back up, they’re OK. But if they come down and stay, they’re a pain in the ass.”
This is what’s happening in Key West and why some dipshit covered himself in ketchup and acted the fool. “Tourists” have invaded Paradise.
And in the case of Ketchup Guy, so have the Dumbasses.
***Hat Tip to Floridaduh.wordpress.com***
|World Series to Be Played Here|
Today is Sunday and I normally don’t write a new story on the Lord’s day, but today I am making an exception. I am making an exception so I can blast a bunch of biased Yankee know-it-all pussies. I am not here to impugn the entire populace living north of the Mason-Dixon, just a select few, namely the East Coast Liberal Pussy Sportswriter. I won’t name names but if you read any East Coast newspaper’s sports section or cruise the intertubes on ESPN.com and other sports sites, you know who I am talking about. Two words for these dickless wonders. Make that three words – ha fucking ha! These professional “journalists” have their heads planted so far the asses of the New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox and the Philadelphia Phillies, they haven’t seen the sunshine since just before Spring Training last February. Buncha asswipes. They look on paper at the big names on those three rosters and you’d think Jesus and His 12 Disciples had started a baseball team, especially the Phillies this year. What these gas bags don’t see is team chemistry, team work, team sacrifice and a group of men who genuinely care about each other and are willing to working as hard and as together as possible to reach the Ultimate Goal of the World Series. You can’t find those qualities on paper, you find them in the hearts of men who are willing to exercise them in order to succeed. What you also don’t see is the Yankees, Red Sox or Phillies with all their money used trying to buy a Championship rather than a a group of men like I mentioned a moment ago, in the World Series. They are all sitting at home in their castles while the Serfs of the league play in the Big Show. The serfs being the Texas Rangers. You know, the Two-Time Defending American League Champions? The 25 Men that make up the Rangers’ roster are the men to whom I referred to earlier (…team chemistry, team work, team sacrifice and a group of men who genuinely care about each other and are willing to working as hard and as together as possible to reach the Ultimate Goal of the World Series). Those men.
So all you Yankees, Red Sox and Phillies fans ( the sports writers), enjoy your Nathan’s Hot Dogs, baked beans and Cheese Steaks while Rangers fans swig down cold beer, gorge themselves on ball park nachos and soak up the wildness that is the World Series. We’ll miss you in the Indian Summer of a Texas October while our guys fight like hell to bring a World Championship to the MetroPlex. I made that up. We won’t miss the High and Mighty Overlord Scribes of the National Pasttime. Keep your Yankee, Liberal, Punk Asses at home on the Eastern Seaboard. We don’t want you here. We don’t need you here. And most of all, you don’t belong here. You can look over your stat sheets and all that shit, watch the games on TV and while you’re at it – kiss my Redneck ass.
Have a nice October.