Category: Yeti

Guy Sets Up Fake Bigfoot on Side of Hiway; Gets Splattered by a Ford!

Best of Dumbass News

We have covered some very strange Dumbass Ways to Die here on Dumbass News and we’ll do so again today, But, let us first review some of the stoopid ways that some of our Dearly Departed Dumbasses have left this veil of tears.

One example of a real good (unless you’re dead person) to die is during sex. In one story, we found out about a woman who died doing the dirty deed with her husband. No she didn’t bite the Big One having the Big O, she bit the bullet. Literally shot to death by her old man during some freaky Dirty Harry Sex Game. I have heard of sex weird ass sex toys, but a .45 ain’t one of ’em.

Then there was the case of some Old Guy keeling over during a lap dance at the local Jiggle Joint, or the Titty Bar as some of you prefer.

Those dead Dumbasses have nothing on the guy we will be High (low?) lighting today.

Big Foot & A Weird Way to Die Go Together

We have also covered some Bigfoot stuff that is relevant to today’s story in which a Bigfoot “researcher” actually uses moonshine to lure the legendary beast to within camera range. So far he has had no luck in sighting Bigfoot, but has had some legendary Saturday nights while alone in the woods with his hopes of a sighting and his hooch, which I understand provides one with some outstanding “sightings” of some sort. Like green snakes on the ceiling perhaps?

You may be asking yourself, “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, just how the hell do getting sent to your Reward during sex, vapor locking at a strip club and drunk Bigfoot “researchers” tie in to day’s excursion into the Shallow End of the gene pool and an untimely demise?

Let me splain.

Ghillie or Ghoulie?

Death and Sasquatch

Randy Lee Tenley of Kalispell, Montana was setting up a hoax Bigfoot sighting when he was killed. During the set up of he fake Bigfoot encounter on the night in question, Tenley was on the side of Highway 93 doing the hoax thing when he was struck by a car! It is my Considered Fearless Leader Bigfoot Hoax Expert Opinion that when a normal size man is struck by a motor vehicle doing 70 miles per hour or more, that he will instantly gain fame in the Darwin Awards category. In other words, Randy Lee Tenley was squashed like a ripe tomato while doing what he was doing.

Police suspect alcohol was involved. You don’t say?

Here’s the entire news brief from the Associated Press via the HuffPuffBigfootIsRealPost, “A man dressed in a military-style “ghillie” suit and apparently trying to provoke reports of a Bigfoot sighting in northwest Montana was struck by two cars and killed, authorities said.

The man was standing in the right-hand lane of U.S. Highway 93 south of Kalispell on Sunday night when he was hit by the first car, according to the Montana Highway Patrol. A second car hit the man as he lay in the roadway, authorities said.

Flathead County officials identified the man as Randy Lee Tenley, 44, of Kalispell. Trooper Jim Schneider said motives were ascertained during interviews with friends, and alcohol may have been a factor but investigators were awaiting tests.

Ghillie suits are a type of full-body clothing made to resemble heavy foliage and used to camouflage military snipers.

Tenley was struck by vehicles driven by two girls, ages 15 and 17, who were unable to stop in time, authorities said.”

One Less Bell to Answer  

This accident sadly eliminates one of our Fellow Dumbasses from the Horde. But on the bright side, Randy Lee Tenley will no longer procreate given that he has assumed room temperature. Storm clouds, silver linings and all that. I am just a bit curious, however, about a couple of things.

  1. Why was it so important that Randy Lee dress up in a ghillie suit at night in order to perpetrate this little joke on the local citizenry? Oh, yeah. Alcohol “may have been involved. And if you read the Bigfoot story at the link above, you would know that alcohol is a very necessary tool in hunting down Bigfoot. Or at least getting drunk enough to “see” the beast.
  2. Why is it that drunk Dumbasses who do the best stoopid shit always have three names, like Randy Lee Tenley. Why ain’t it ever some simple name such as John Smith? I want to know. Really. I do.
  3. Isn’t there a decent strip club in Kalispell where Randy Lee could have gone to die? I mean getting a lap dance from a nekkid chick seems like an infinitely more “fun” way to buy the farm than to be obliterated by a couple of teenage girls in a Prius. Maybe I am wrong, because I have never died before and I am quite unwilling to find out which way is a more “pleasant” way to go. Although death by stripper appears to be more enticing. 

But, that’s just how I roll. Unlike Randy Lee Tenley.

R.I.P.

Dumbass.

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Dumbass Setting Up Bigfoot Hoax on Hiway Gets Splattered by a Toyota

We have covered some very strange Dumbass Ways to Die here on Dumbass News and we’ll do so again today, But, let us first review some of the stoopid ways that some of our Dearly Departed Dumbasses have left this veil of tears.

One example of a real good (unless you’re dead person) to die is during sex. In one story, we found out about a woman who died doing the dirty deed with her husband. No she didn’t bite the Big One having the Big O, she bit the bullet. Literally shot to death by her old man during some freaky Dirty Harry Sex Game. I have heard of sex weird ass sex toys, but a .45 ain’t one of ’em.

Then there was the case of some Old Guy keeling over during a lap dance at the local Jiggle Joint, or the Titty Bar as some of you prefer.

Those dead Dumbasses have nothing on the guy we will be High (low?) lighting today.

Big Foot & A Weird Way to Die Go Together

We have also covered some Bigfoot stuff that is relevant to today’s story in which a Bigfoot “researcher” actually uses moonshine to lure the legendary beast to within camera range. So far he has had no luck in sighting Bigfoot, but has had some legendary Saturday nights while alone in the woods with his hopes of a sighting and his hooch, which I understand provides one with some outstanding “sightings” of some sort. Like green snakes on the ceiling perhaps?

You may be asking yourself, “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, just how the hell do getting sent to your Reward during sex, vapor locking at a strip club and drunk Bigfoot “researchers” tie in to day’s excursion into the Shallow End of the gene pool and an untimely demise?

Let me splain.

Ghillie or Ghoulie?

Death and Sasquatch

Randy Lee Tenley of Kalispell, Montana was setting up a hoax Bigfoot sighting when he was killed. During the set up of he fake Bigfoot encounter on the night in question, Tenley was on the side of Highway 93 doing the hoax thing when he was struck by a car! It is my Considered Fearless Leader Bigfoot Hoax Expert Opinion that when a normal size man is struck by a motor vehicle doing 70 miles per hour or more, that he will instantly gain fame in the Darwin Awards category. In other words, Randy Lee Tenley was squashed like a ripe tomato while doing what he was doing.

Police suspect alcohol was involved. You don’t say?

Here’s the entire news brief from the Associated Press via the HuffPuffBigfootIsRealPost, “A man dressed in a military-style “ghillie” suit and apparently trying to provoke reports of a Bigfoot sighting in northwest Montana was struck by two cars and killed, authorities said.

The man was standing in the right-hand lane of U.S. Highway 93 south of Kalispell on Sunday night when he was hit by the first car, according to the Montana Highway Patrol. A second car hit the man as he lay in the roadway, authorities said.

Flathead County officials identified the man as Randy Lee Tenley, 44, of Kalispell. Trooper Jim Schneider said motives were ascertained during interviews with friends, and alcohol may have been a factor but investigators were awaiting tests.

Ghillie suits are a type of full-body clothing made to resemble heavy foliage and used to camouflage military snipers.

Tenley was struck by vehicles driven by two girls, ages 15 and 17, who were unable to stop in time, authorities said.”

One Less Bell to Answer  

This accident sadly eliminates one of our Fellow Dumbasses from the Horde. But on the bright side, Randy Lee Tenley will no longer procreate given that he has assumed room temperature. Storm clouds, silver linings and all that. I am just a bit curious, however, about a couple of things.

  1. Why was it so important that Randy Lee dress up in a ghillie suit at night in order to perpetrate this little joke on the local citizenry? Oh, yeah. Alcohol “may have been involved. And if you read the Bigfoot story at the link above, you would know that alcohol is a very necessary tool in hunting down Bigfoot. Or at least getting drunk enough to “see” the beast.
  2. Why is it that drunk Dumbasses who do the best stoopid shit always have three names, like Randy Lee Tenley. Why ain’t it ever some simple name such as John Smith? I want to know. Really. I do.
  3. Isn’t there a decent strip club in Kalispell where Randy Lee could have gone to die? I mean getting a lap dance from a nekkid chick seems like an infinitely more “fun” way to buy the farm than to be obliterated by a couple of teenage girls in a Prius. Maybe I am wrong, because I have never died before and I am quite unwilling to find out which way is a more “pleasant” way to go. Although death by stripper appears to be more enticing. 

But, that’s just how I roll. Unlike Randy Lee Tenley.

R.I.P.

Dumbass.

Moonshine- An Essential Bigfoot Tracking Tool

Is This Creature a Slim Whitman Fan?

Mankind has been in search of mythical creatures for hundreds of years. Sea monsters, the Loch Ness Monster and his American Cousin, Champ over in Vermont, the Chupacabra (Goat Sucker for all you Gringos out there) of South Texas, you name it, man has looked for it. One of the most enduring and endearing legends of dumbass looking “monsters” is that of Big Foot, Yeti or Sasquatch, depending on which culture you ask – Dumbass White Guy Culture, the Chinese or American Indians. each one has a stale of similar beasts roving the Northern Hemisphere from China to the Pacific Northwest of the USA.

Now some dumbass old man who has sought out Bigfoot for decades(!) has arranged another research expedition in search of my mother-in-law the legendary beast. This waste of hard earned cash, I mean, scientific exercise will take place in North Carolina. the main Expedition Dumbass Guy is Michael Greene who has said that his “previous encounters with Bigfoot — also known as Sasquatch and Yeti in the folklore of different cultures — include hearing the creature roar and capturing thermal imaging footage of a 7-foot-tall creature with no discernible neck…”. Where I come from we call these encounters being shitfaced drunk and/or married. But, I am a dumbass Redneck, so what do I know. I’ll tell you what I know! I know about being married as I have partaken of such on more than one occasion and I damn sure know about being shitfaced drunk. I must confess that I was much better at being shitfaced drunk than at being married. Anyway, our Bigfoot researcher, Brother Dumbass Greene has a plan that will with unquestioned certainty will finally prove the existence of this non-existent animal!

After reading that statement, you’d think that Brother Dumbass Greene had the most advanced technology available to men of his er, uh, “stature” in his quest for Bigfoot. But no!!! Here are Greene’s own words as stolen borrowed from the UPI story:

“Usually,” Greene said of his previous Bigfoot hunts, nothing at all happens. But you hear roaring in the bushes. They’ll pitch rocks into camp, but they never hit anybody. Greene said his team will try to root out the Sasquatch with low-tech methods such as banging on trees with baseball bats and leaving candy bars at their campsite.” In his statement, Greene left out the most powerful in his Bigfoot Searching Arsenal – moonshine! That will make something happen! Trust me on this one, folks. A couple of gizzard-warming shots of Mountain Dew will make you see Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Jesus and all sorts of other creatures and apparitions. After due consideration, I have deemed this little junket a success no matter if Bigfoot is found or not. Smoky Moutain Soothin’ Syrup is guaranteed to make any critter-finding field trip worthwhile!

Besides the low-tech approach to this experiment, Brother Dumbass Greene has unwittingly added more tools to his baseball bats,candy bars and moonshine – hallucinations and nekkidness. A snort or two of Hillbilly Sody (spelling intentional) Water and Brother Dumbass Greene and his colleagues will be dancing around the camp fire buck ass nekkid singing the Best of Slim Whitman at the top of their lungs. I just hope that Bigfoot is a Slim Whitman fan, too. Happy hunting, Senor Greene!

Dumbass.