Dumbass News has gained
tens hundreds of new readers over the course of the last couple of months. This may come as a surprise to many of you, but it doesn’t surprise me at all. Do you realize how many Dumbasses there are in the world? Simple math, and a shit load of shameless blog pimpin’ on Twitter, dictate that this was bound to happen. Something about the law of supply and demand. The Good Lord supplies the Dumbasses and I demand that they read this blog. See? The shit works out right.
Best of Dumbass News
You are about to read about what could be the Co-Dumbasses of the Year, which would be a first in the history of the Dumbass of the Year Awards.
While it is still too way too early to make a call on the winner of the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award, the two idjits in this story are the leaders in the clubhouse as of today.
We have covered all kinds of smuggling here at Dumbass News, from the guy who smuggled cocaine in roasted chickens, a Playboy Bunny who smuggles Canadians into the USA to a guy who tried to sneak some illegal cockroaches into the country, but we have never and I mean never had the honor on reporting on a Dumbass who tried to smuggle cocaine into the United States in a hair weave!
Today, we have the good fortune of telling you of TWO Dumbasses who thought bringing contraband onto US soil in hair weaves was a good idea!
No matter how idiotic the scheme, you gotta give these two an A+ for creativity.
Doing a Boyfriend a Favor
From HuffPo, That’s the hair-raising accusation that has Kiana Howell and Makeeba Graham tangled up in a criminal case. The two women were arrested early Sunday morning at JFK Airport in New York after their extra-tall hair weaves raised the suspicions of guards.
Howell and Graham had just arrived from the South American country of Guyana and caught the attention of officials when they started wigging out as they approached customs, the New York Post reported.
Officers started sniffing around and, upon closer inspection, discovered more than two pounds of cocaine woven into the two women’s hairdos, according to The Smoking Gun.
Officials said Howell and Graham concealed the cocaine in form-fitting plastic bags on their scalps. Howell allegedly had 35.1 ounces of nose candy hidden under her hair weave, while Graham is accused of hiding 36.9 ounces beneath hers, UPI reported.
Kiana, the bitch who looks like Flip Wilson, said, of course, that she had no idea what was in the packages, but she was just doin’ a solid for her Guyanan boyfriend. And $7500. Yep. Not much says “I didn’t know what was in there” like being paid seven and a half large for being the courier of a package with two pounds “unknown contents”. On your fucking skull! Nothing suspicious there. Move along.
I shave my head so I have no hair up there, but I gotta a feeling that if I put on a wig that weighed two pounds, I just might say to myself, “Self, something is screwy here”.
But that’s just me.
Not Kiana and Makeeba. And by the way, who the hell in their right mind names their kid “Makeeba”? Oh, yeah. A coke head that’s who.
After all the hoopla, anticipation and the requisite drama, we have made it. We have reached the apex of absurdity, the pinnacle of puerility, the summit of stupidity….OK, OK enough of the euphemisms.
It’s time for the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award!
Before we get to the nitty gritty, let me first thank all you Dumbasses from 154 countries around the world for a tremendous 2012 at Dumbass News. It’s your continued support and readership that keep this thing afloat. Without you, the Dumbass of the Year Award, would be just another cheap ass, attention-whore piece of metal like those fake ass Oscars, Tonys or Golden Globes. Anybody can win one of those things. The DOY is presented to an authentic Dumbass, not some goober pretending to be a Dumbass. The Dummy is as real as Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. So take that, Hollywood and Broadway! Buncha fuckin’ posers.
That said, let’s get down to bidness.
Finalists – 2012 Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award
After all the reading and re-reading and cussin’ and discussin’, here are the Best of the Worst Dumbasses for 2012 (in no particular order):
- Lady Poisons Boyfriend to Get His Attention – This is a love story like we’ve never before seen in the annals of Dumbass News. Some people pull foolish stunts or say something outrageous to garner favor from his or her beloved when he or she feels neglected or unnoticed. Others resort to attempted homicide.
- 30 Women Riot Over Facebook Comment – There are a lot of people who take what is written on social media like Facebook and Twitter very seriously. In one such case featured right here on Dumbass News, a simple “unfriending” on Facebook led to arson! Setting fire to a “friend’s” house is child’s play compared to the 30 broads who went on a rampage because of a single comment on Facebook! Hilarity and mayhem ensued.
- White Guy Goes to War, White Wife has Black Baby While He’s Gone! She Blames “Lifelike” 3D Porn Movie! – You. Can’t. Make. This. Shit. Up.
- Dumbass Cheats on Wife, Dies During Threesome! – Karma.
- Impotent Guy Pays Neighbor to Impregnate Wife! – Wait’ll you see the wife, guys. You’d pay the impotent guy to bone her! Yowsa! Oh, by the way, the guy who got paid to boink the hawt wife seventy-two times and make a baby? He was shootin’ blanks, too!
After much contemplative thought and critical deliberation, I have come to a decision. And it wasn’t easy.
The winner of the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award is…White Guy Goes to War, White Wife Has Black Baby While He’s Gone and Blames It On a “Lifelike” 3D Porn Flick! Folks, it takes some serious mental gymnastics to come up with a “blame it on a 3D skin flick” when you are busted like the wife in this story is. The one detail that put this story over the top, however, was the fact that the white guy who went to war and came home to a black baby actually believed this cock and bull nonsense!
That, my friends, is 100% Grade A Unadulterated Full Tilt Boogie Dumbassery Traveling at the Speed of Stoopid and the perfect way to end an exemplary year of Dumbass News. We can only hope that 2013 is as benevolent to us as 2012 was – in a Dumbass kind of way.
Happy New Year!
2013. That has a nice ring to it. Happy New Year to the Dumbass Horde!
As you know, over the last few days we have been passing out Dummy Awards in a plethora of categories to the most deserving Dumbasses of 2012. Before we get to The Big One, the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award, let’s take a quick look back at the “winners” thus far.
- Best Use of Duct Tape By a Nekkid Dumbass
- Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass
- The Flaming Dumbass Award
- Dumbass Dongs of 2012
What an outstanding group of Dumbasses! And to think, these maroons are winners in the preliminary categories! The excitement is overwhelming!
Don’t vapor lock on me yet. We’ll announce the Finalists and the Big Winner of the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award tomorrow! Vapor locking today would preclude you from experiencing this magnanimous occasion Wednesday. Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.
Let’s play a game of “pretend”.
Let’s pretend that you are being chased by “drug cartel agents” and a pack of vicious drug cartel agent dogs. Let’s pretend that you are scared shitless and your only recourse to save your ass from these evil, bloodthirsty bad guys and their hounds from Hell is to break into a nearby house.
Now that you are safely out of harm’s way inside some nice person’s house, what do you do? You call 9-1-1! On yourself!
Wait! We don’t have to pretend! This actually happened! SPOILER ALERT! 1…2…3…END OF SPOILER ALERT! The Dumbass who pulled this stunt was soon greeted by a pair of very nice Bangor (Maine) police officers and was subsequently introduced to the Penobscot County Jail for the Criminally Dumbass.
The lesson we can all take away from this incident is that 9-1-1 is to be utilized for emergency situations only.
The entrants for the next Dummy in our search for the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award winner would beg to differ.
Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass
There was no shortage of contenders for this category of the Dummies. That is evidenced by the fact that the Dumbass in the story above isn’t even nominated for the award.
Those who made the cut…
- John R. of Chicago – Big John got tanked up on some cheap hooch and called 9-1-1 and politely invited some of Chi-town’s Finest over for a good ole country ass kickin’. The Police were not amused.
- 9-1-1 for Sex Caller – In late August I wrote about a horny Dumbass down in Tampa who dialed 9-1-1 and asked the operator for a blow job. Not a good idea.
- Beer Delivery Through 9-1-1 – Enough said.
And the winner of the 2012 Dummy Award for Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass is…
The Dumbass who called 9-1-1 for beer delivery!
Folks, anybody can dial up 9-1-1 and ask for a blow job or get drunk and call ’em up and threaten to kick the cops’ asses, but it takes a special kind of Dumbass to place an order for beer through Emergency Services. The level of sheer unmitigated gall to do something this fucking stoopid is, in and of itself, brilliant!
As a Former Professional Drinker, I bow before the Funky Old Dude who let his drunk ass fingers do the walkin’.
Another year of Dumbass News has come and gone. That means another 365 days of the finest Dumbassery known to modern man has been chronicled for posterity right on these very pages. It’s a legacy that a Fearless Leader can be proud of, something my grand children will some day look back on and declare, “Say what you will about Grandpa Fearless Leader, he was a top notch Dumbass if he was anything.”
I get misty eyed just thinking about it.
I also get all choked up when I look back over the past year at the sheer volume of the stoopid shit I have covered, each post the result of a dogged determination to bring to you the absolutely most pathetic actions of Dumbasses from locales around the world.
In summary, 2012 was a resounding success for Dumbass News.
And now….The Dummies…
|Is There Nothing It Can’t Do?|
Our first category in the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards is Best Use of Duct Tape by a Dumbass, Public Nekkididity Division.
And the nominees are:
Chick With Duct Taped Boobs Beats Up Three Cops- Law Enforcement personnel have one of the toughest jobs in the world. Not only do they see that the rest of us obey the law, but many times they are called upon to act as mediators in disputes between the citizens they are sworn to protect and serve. At other times they are assaulted by nekkid wimmin with duct taped boobs. And of course by “assaulted” I mean kicked the shit out of. The Chick with Duct Taped Boobs inflicted some pretty impressive injuries upon three of Seattle’s Finest.
Duct Tape and Nekkid Driving – I am a lifelong user of Duct Tape having used it to mend various parts of cars, shoes, baseball bats and prolly a hundred other things laying around the Dumbass Dome. Having said that, I can categorically deny ever having used it in a state of nekkididity or operating a motor vehicle while in my birthday suit. I can not, however, say the same for this couple in Portland, Oregon.
The winner of the first Dummy for 2012 is….!
It’s a tie! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the very first time in the history of the Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards, we have a tie! Let’s face it. What we have here is two of the most inventive uses of Duct Tape in the History of Duct Tape. How on Earth can I pick one of these stories over the other? I couldn’t.
Wow! What excitement! What drama! What bullshit!
The 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards are certainly off to a flying start! This is the first in a long list of Dummies to be awarded, just imagine the excitement and surprises that await us!
I can barely contain myself!
Dumbass News has gained
Attention Dumbasses around the World! The moment you both have been waiting for is here! Despite the public outcry and against the advice of the Dumbass News legal staff, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe (Home Office, Tijuana, Baja Califonia, Mexico), It is now time to announce the “winner” of the very first Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award! What an occasion! What an extravaganza! What a steaming pile!
This was one of the most difficult projects that I have ever undertaken while sober. The mere volume of posts featuring some of the most mentally challenged people on Earth in and of itself was a bit overwhelming. Having to decide which dumbass is worthy of such a prestigious honor as the Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award was a responsibility I did not take lightly. How could I take it lightly? I was fucking sober for Gawd’s sake! I was that serious about this thing. Of course if I had been blasted it would have been much more enjoyable, but I am reformed Professional Drinker, so that was out of the question. A little “Latin Lettuce” on the other hand….:)
The Final Four
Once I got through the over 400 dumbasses to choose from, the following four stood on their own merits as head and shoulders above the rest. Not so coincidently, each of the four were among the most-read posts of 2011. If you folks weren’t dumbasses I’d swear you knew what you doing in making them so popular. But you are and I won’t. Dumbasses.
The Last Dumbasses Standing are…
Courtney Love – For snorting Kurt Cobain’s cremated remains when a good line of cocaine would have been much more rewarding. Stoopid bitch.
Dwarf Tossers – Dwarf tossers are the backbone of American Dumbassery. They are living proof that this country is all about having the right to not only become filthy rich and a dumbass, but also the right to be as big a dumbass as you can possibly make yourself. This is what separates us from European Pussy Dumbasses, Muslim Extremists and Commies. God bless America!
Five Day Cell Phone Guy – This guy spent five days “stranded” on an island off the California coast with his cell phone and a strong connection to a near-by cell tower without once trying to use his phone to call for help. Until the fifth day!
Assault With Deer Antlers – A touching romantic story about a couple of dumbasses that get into a fight and the dumbass lady ends up trying to gore the guy with a mounted deer head. I think they are from my wife’s side of the family. Yankees are weird like that. I’m just sayin’.
The Big Moment!
Can I have a drum roll please?!! It is with great pleasure , reverence for the late Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) and deep humility, not to mention a couple of shots of Nyquil because my wife gave me the flu, I am happy to announce the winner of the Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011!!! The winner iiiiissssssssss…….
….Five Day Cell Phone Guy!!!! (wild applause and the sound of tops being screwed off of cheap wine bottles everywhere) Was there ever any doubt that the outcome would be anything but what it is? Hell no!! Any dumbass that is on an island with a cell phone and a good, strong signal and doesn’t think to try the phone to call for help for five days is the Dumbass of the Year every year in my book.
So congratulations Five Day Cell Phone Guy, and find a special spot on your fireplace mantle for the “You Big Dummy” trophy and soak up all the glory you so richly deserve as the winner of such a life changing honor. You have truly shown the world what being a dumbass is all about. And believe me my friend, you are a Dumbass with a capital “D”.
I look forward to hearing from you soon, Five Day Cell Phone Guy. Call me when you have the time between network TV and national radio show interviews. I am sure you have a good signal on your iPhone. I just thought I’d save you a few days by telling you that.
Of the Year.
Wow! Where has this year gone? 2012 zoomed by quick as a hiccup and that can mean only one thing.
It’s time for the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards! Or as we at Dumbass News affectionately call them, The Dummies.
The Dummies Explained
In some ways, The Dummies are like those fake pussified awards like the Oscars or Grammies. We’ll have several categories of Dummies in which there will be a few nominees for each one and each category will have a winner. (You have no idea how difficult it is to write “winner” and “Dummies” in the same sentence.) We’ll slog our way through the various groups, name a winner (there’s that word again) and work our way up to the biggie, the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award.
The similarities end there.
Unlike Hollywood or the music industry, The Dummies recognize the “achievements” of real people, Dumbasses like you and me. We don’t go for all that fakery and Liberal weenie, touchy-feely, made up bullshit you’ll find in the movies or the cop-killing, racist, bitches and hoes crap in today’s music.
We settle for nothing less than World Class Dumbassery.
Over the next few days, we’ll take a fond look back at some of the Dumbasses that caught our attention in 2012 and bestow upon them the honor that they so richly deserve – The Dummy.
So sit back and relax with an adult beverage or your recreational drug of choice and take heart that no matter how screwed up your life is, there’s a group of Dumbasses out there that’ll make you feel good about yourself.