Category: Zombies

"The Walking Dead": Leading Cause of Attempted Murder

After a little over two years, 793 posts and somewhere in the neighborhood of a million words, I am again making Dumbass News History.

Mark this date on your calendar as the date that I capitulated to The Zombie Craze.

They’re Dead and They’re Everywhere

I don’t get it, this Zombie Craze. Why this morbid fascination with flesh-eating dead people?

No Cable TV

I am a Poor White Guy, man of meager resources. For all the Liberals in the audience, that means that live within a very strict budget, forgoing some of life’s luxuries like cable/satellite TV or a cell phone. I am, however, able to splurge on an internet connection. This fact alone separates me from are known as Piss Poor White Guys. Piss Poor White Guys don’t even have enough money to budget out. These are the White Guys you see selling cheap ass roses at busy intersections in big cities. So I consider myself lucky to be a Poor White Guy since I a) have a little money to budget out and b) I don’t have to sell cheap ass roses on a busy intersection.

Having said all that, I do allow myself the indulgence of subscribing to Netflix.

TV Marathons
I’m not much of a TV Guy. I rarely make use of my Netflix account. Mrs. Fearless Leader on the other hand, puts the “flix” in “net”. She’s a Subscription TV Demon. She watches shit that I never knew existed. She also watches stuff that is popular enough that I have heard of it, but would otherwise avoid like a swift kick to the gazebos (nuts).

A few months ago I sat through every. single. episode of eight seasons of Desperate Housewives. Then it was Grey’s Anatomy. Now the crap du jour is The Walking Dead. I find very little, if any, socially redeeming value or entertainment quality to this particular program. Mrs. Fearless Leader, like millions of other Dumbasses, many of them in my Twitter timeline (@RealDumbassNews), loves it.

The Walking Dead

When my wife has an episode of The Walking Dead cranked up, I don’t watch it. It’s merely background noise to me. But, every once in a while the TV will emit some of the most disgusting sounds ever heard by the human ear and I turn my head to see what the hell’s going on. Usually it involves some soulless zombie trying to eat a live person all the while violently gurgling like Michael Moore slobbering over a Big Mac. This does not appeal to me.

After much study (nearly 10 minutes worth), I have come to the conclusion that this TV show, The Walking Dead, is also a leading cause of gunshot wounds.

In New York, Nassau County Detective Lt. Raymond Cote said Jared Gurman, 26, argued via text messages with his girlfriend, Jessica Gelderman, 27, just after 2:30 a.m. Monday about the possibility of a zombie apocalypse as depicted on the AMC series, The Walking Dead.

“He feels strongly about the possibility that some military mishap could occur. She thinks it’s ridiculous,” ABC News quoted Cote as saying. She was not taking him seriously or taking the show as seriously as he does. 

This is when Jared shot Jessica! In. The. Back.

Jared has been charged with attempted murder.

The next time Heather is watching The Walking Dead, you can bet your sweet ass that I will be paying close attention and the .22 will be safely locked away.

Dumbass.

Advertisements